I thought I knew enough about the Holy Spirit from listening to sermons and my own bible study. I've been rocked to a deeper understanding and Jesus' statement when he told the disciples that he must leave so that a greater leader could take his place. I'm not sure "leader" is the right choice of words but it is meant to describe his qualities.
Working with and submitting to the Great Messenger has caused a pondering in my spirit for the purpose of flashbacks and mental torture. God knows how much the abuse hurt - all of it. For the last ten years every time those images and fears cycle back around I get closer to the truth because new ones would pop in. But not this time.
The bible says in John 8:31-32: "If you are truly my disciples and live as I tell you, you shall know the truth and the truth will set you free."
Those verses are part of my healing foundation. They tell me I have two things to do before I am set free: Become a disciple of Jesus and live as He tells me. How do I do that? A disciple is someone who emulates or lives out the character traits of another. In Jesus' day, when he was here and after he died, his followers were referred to as Christians because they did what he did. In March of 1988 I saw and felt the depth of my sin. I knew I could not erase it from God's eyes when he looked at me because I am incapable of such a feat. I had the desire, I had the longing but what I didn't have was the ability.
In order to have ultimate peace (even during the storms of life) I had to invite Jesus to take up residency in my heart. Another verse says, "I stand knocking at your door." Jesus won't invade my deprivation or force himself on me. He wants me to want Him in my life. I asked Him in.
I am now a disciple of Jesus. He's living in me and I in Him. There's a relationship between the two of us that no one else has. Private, personal and everlasting. When I repented of my sin and asked Jesus into my heart, the bible says that the Holy Spirit is instantly inside of me, acting on behalf of God's will for my life.
Stay with me. When He (the Holy Spirit) starts nudging in certain directions, it's up to me to be attentive and obedient. Then God can reveal the truth and free me from whatever is preventing me from becoming who God intended me to be when he formed me in my mother's womb.
Is the truth easy to hear? Yes and no. Sometimes I sense God is pleased with my choices. Other times I know I've made a bad move. Then there are times when the Holy Spirit warns me about what's coming down the pipe. This time it was, "There's more sludge residing in your soul and it has to be removed."
As I've been praying and taking quiet time to process this most recent sludge, I was surprised to hear (not audibly) the following: "Amy, I want you to rest." As I thought about it, I asked, "Rest from what?" Then I heard, "I want you to rest in the abuse. Don't deny it happened but embrace it. It's part of you. All these years you have been afraid. It's time to rest in it. This will continue throughout the writing of your book. Just rest in it and don't be afraid."
That was yesterday. I went to bible study this morning and talked to one of my leaders at length. It was the first time I'd spoken out loud about what was going on inside with the exception of my therapist. I felt safe. She was moved to tears by some of what's happened to me. I listened and responded to how the Holy Spirit was leading me: It's time to talk.
I don't know how God is going to pull this off. I mean He did send Jesus to teach me about Him and Jesus died for my sins and He sent the Holy Spirit to guide me toward Him so I have to believe that He knows what he's doing and who He's doing it through (me).
But I don't have to worry or try to figure that out.
It's His job to lead me.
My job is to rest.
Can I say one more thing? It's a lot easier to breathe when you rest.
