Tears and Fears and Cheers

This morning I was reading Revelation 21:1-4. It's John's recording of seeing a "new heaven and a new earth." The verse my heart was yearning to read is verse four: 

Revelation 21New International Version (NIV)

A New Heaven and a New Earth

21 Then I saw “a new heaven and a new earth,”[a] for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away, and there was no longer any sea. 2 I saw the Holy City, the new Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride beautifully dressed for her husband. 3 And I heard a loud voice from the throne saying, “Look! God’s dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God. 4 ‘He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death’[b] or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

A trip up north had been in the planning stages with my dear friend, Ann.  She needed to get up to their cottage for many reasons.  My directive from God has been to support her, not so much by words, but by praying and listening.  You see, Ann's wonderful husband of thirty-three years passed away three months ago.

Before his passing, I felt completely powerless to do anything but pray for she and Artie.  And yet, that's all her initial email asked for:  prayer.  As a short time passed and a diagnosis was given, it was clear Artie would be in Heaven soon.  But what about my friend?  What in the world could I give or do for her??

I knew what I couldn't give:  I've never been married.

I knew what I could give:  Listening when she would initiate an evening text, checking in on her without being a pest, my love for her using my words, my presence at the funeral, a box of Kleenex that only she and I would understand the meaning of and reminders of God's love and of His presence.

So, that's what I've been doing.

Ann's twenty-three year old granddaughter, Dana, decided she wanted to go, too.  There would be a few hours on Saturday when Ann and Dana would need to take a drive and spend a few hours together.  This gave me an open window to see my Mom.  I didn't realize how much I missed my Mom until I saw her.  Even though we talk regularly on the phone, seeing her was exciting.

But every time I've gone up there, especially the last few years, I shed tears of sadness.  Why?  Because God formed a friendship, maybe a decade ago, between a loving soul named Laurie and I.  But in 2008, the year my friend Cathy and my Dad died, Laurie and her husband moved to another state.  It wasn't a total surprise and we've grown so much closer to each other since then, but for some reason, this trip up north triggered great sadness of not having seen her since she moved.

After a wonderful dinner with Ann, Dana and my mom on Saturday night, the three of us headed back to the cottage for a break.  Then my friend drove us into Minoqua for a Dairy Queen treat.  On the drive there, I wasn't feeling hungry but instead began to feel a nudge to have some alone time.  That was fine with Ann and I had no time limit.  I walked in downtown Minoqua to the end of the shops where, on the left, is the little coffee shop that Laurie and I had breakfast in one morning.  I remember that day so clearly.  It was gorgeous outside and after breakfast we found a bench to sit on.  As lots of people kept walking by we had one of the most beautiful conversations.  I don't remember what we talked about but that feeling of taking another step toward each other was present.

After my "memory" walk to that cafe, I was feeling very sad.  I knew I needed some quiet time with God - to talk about all the junk inside my head.  I walked down to the lake where the night before I watched a water ski show with Ann and Dana.  There was a telephone pole before the bleachers.  That telephone pole became a holy place.

My eyes were already moist and that knot in the pit of my stomach?  The one when I know I'm about to talk to God out loud?  Began to unravel itself through crying, looking up at the sky where the sun was setting, looking out at the water where some boats were anchored for fishing or are cruising by.  I sensed this moment was going to help me a great deal.  I knew this because I've walked and talked with God for more than 30 years.  You kinda get a knack for picking up on these sort of things.

In those several minutes, I talked through tears.  I asked questions.  I pleaded for understanding.  I cried some more and I kept talking.  I knew I was praying and I knew I was cleaning out the shed in my head.  I told God how I didn't understand what the big deal was about my story.  There are people out there who have much worse stories than mine.  What was so special about mine that he wanted to use it in other people's lives?  I told God how much I missed Laurie.  From where I was standing I could see where the Bearskin Trail would be.  Laurie and I shared many walks and talks and that's where God told me to write my story.  And what about Ann?  Am I doing what He wants?  Making sure I'm available in body, mind and spirit for her to feel safe talking?  What about the deep pain she is in?  Being blessed by her memories yet surrounded by Artie's things but not having his eyes reflect his love for her, the joy of his laughter, the tenderness of his hugs or his physical body walking through the door anymore?  

What about all of that???????????

I stood there, still praying and crying, trying to purge out my insides while feeling the pain of it all. 

And then the dark thoughts crept in.  I thought of how easy it would be to disappear.  To just walk off someplace and never be heard from again.  I looked down at the lake and thought of how easy it would be to drown.  No one would find me - for awhile, at least.  I was feeling deep sorrow, I was feeling worthless because my story couldn't possibly help anyone.  I mean, my gosh!  I felt it didn't really matter if I ended my life right there.  In fact, it would end the torment I was feeling.

And therein lies the miracle.  I was feeling.  I was feeling so much and I wasn't drinking or cutting or seeking destructive relationships or overeating.  I was feeling and that was a miracle.

Because then Ann came to mind.  My death would wreck her in ways I was just learning.  My Mom wouldn't understand because I've been doing so well.  My sisters and their families would be heartbroken.  My friends, like Laurie, would be heartbroken as well.  Then there's my home and my kitties.  Their lives would be uprooted, some of them possibly put to sleep.  And even though I have a will, my things could never replace me.  Even though my friends would make sure the book gets published, it wouldn't be the same as what God wanted to have said because I wasn't there to write it.

I stood staring up at the sky, the orange from the sunset and the violet clouds sprinkled across the sky.  I knew taking my own life was not the answer and even though God didn't answer all of my questions or take away all of the sadness or give me some sort of revelation about the book, God gave me what He felt I needed.  The next step to take with my book.  Purchase the rest of the digital copies of my blogs and get those to my besties.  Don't worry about anything else.

Much time had passed.  I stopped crying.  I was given what I needed from the One who loves me most.  I had a clear mission of what to do next.  I wiped my eyes, thanked God for his goodness and headed back toward Dairy Queen.  

Later that night, Ann and I shared a deeper conversation.  Somehow we got on the subject of Aaron.  I told her the whole story about the week Aaron (my 18 yr old nephew) died, including the funeral, but this time, I didn't cry.  It wasn't because I didn't feel sad or used up all my tears at the lake. Losing Aaron was way worse than losing my Dad.  It was because I was now afraid to cry.   

I often wonder if  there is a facet to mental illness where suicidal thoughts never really go away.  It's not as though I plan on having them.  They just pop into my head as the solution for the ache in my soul.  And even when I am in God's presence, with my arms outstretched and my hands open wide, those thoughts of suicide still enter my mind.  

That's why this verse in the Bible resonates with my battles with suicide, hurting myself and feeling my feelings.  It's because of one decision in March of 1988 when I gave my life to Jesus Christ and accepted his gift of substitutionary atonement for my sin.  The verse says, "God will wipe every tear from their eyes.  There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain.  For the old order of things has passed away."

I listened to Ann all weekend and supported her as best I could.  I plan to continue.

I made myself be vulnerable with her even though I was scared.  I plan to only talk when asked.

I called Laurie when I arrived home.  I told her all the above.  She is my older sister!

My disability check is deposited today so I can download the blogs then send them.

I slept until 10:00 a.m. which is super long!!!

This post took almost 5 hours to write, edit, write, edit, write, edit then finalize.

And God's promise of a "new day?"

That, my friends, will be the day I give a very loud cheer!

"I Miss My Mom and Dad."

For several weeks, I've been falling asleep on the couch.  Usually to a TV show I intend to watch til the end but you know how that goes when you're tired.  Sleeping on the couch has, in the past, been a warning sign that sexual abuse issues are about to surface.

They come in the form of dreams, body memories (re-experiencing the abuse), PTSD and sometimes psychosomatic seizures which are emotion based - not epileptic based.  Sleeping on the couch is a measuring stick I use to tell me how long and how in depth those memories are going to be.  It's a tool that has worked very well in my recovery.

Instead of having a dream where my body is being abused, I had a dream where I was being nurtured by my mom AND dad.  Lots of hugs, kind words and even laughter.  I felt no fear for my safety, no fear for anyone else's safety and no need to find a way of escape from danger.  There was no danger.

There was no danger of any kind.  No hitting, no yelling, no furniture being thrown or broken, no shoes being thrown at my cats and no creaking floor in the middle of the night with a dark shadow on my wall getting closer to me.  There was no danger of any kind.

As the dream continued in it's nurturing manner, I could feel myself relax and drink in the safety I wish in real life I'd had.  When I woke up, I heard my little girl voice say, "I miss my mom and dad."  I said that a couple of times as I got up off the couch and walked to my bedroom.

"I miss my mom and dad."

I pulled back my covers, pushed the dvd into the player and crawled into bed, holding my extra pillow and drifting off to sleep.

"I miss my mom and dad."

When Stress Becomes Too Much

I love Star Trek - The Next Generation.  The original was cool but at my age, Next was it.  I especially like the opening music and words:

"To seek out new life and new civilizations,
To boldly go where no one has gone before."

In this season of life, I am learning how to stand up for myself and use my voice.  A voice that has been silent when it comes to how I am treated by others.  Relying on my inner voice to give strength to my vocal voice.  Not by yelling or screaming but by feeling and thinking and processing and yes, writing.  I usually check in with a few trusted besties before I move forward.  Sometimes I don't because I'm very comfortable inside myself to know how to handle it.

I do not yell - I am assertive and stern with my words.
I do not scream - I clearly communicate the problem.
I do not rage on someone - I try to be concise and succinct with the issues at hand

I do tell how I felt - I only share one or two feelings
I do tell what I think - Again, sparingly
I do tell what I need for a resolution - Usually one or two requests.

Then, it's up to them.

As I  keep on seeking "new life" (being conformed to the image of Christ) and "new civilizations" (my family and besties and new church), I have every ounce of faith that God is going to take me places I have never been before.

And that, my friend, is living boldly.

Amaro and Half Price Books

It was one of those bright sunny days when the temperature and humidity remind you that summer is officially here.

I began my day the usual way.  Scooted kitties off my blanket so I could get out of bed.  Ate a little breakfast.  Worked on a letter I need for tomorrow.  Got myself dressed and headed to therapy.  A great and wonderful session that filled me up and addressed a question about self-injury.

My friend Pam and I were going to a large resale shop.  I was looking for a coffee table or ottoman but instead purchased a rug for the kitties for winter.  Afterwards we headed to Half Price Books in a neighboring city.  And that's where I met Amaro.

Pam and I went into the store and began looking around.  I was so blessed to find three dvds that I really wanted and a cd for one of my besties.  While I was browsing, I heard and saw a man outside yelling and swearing at someone but no one was there.  I thought to myself, "Uh-oh.  Someone is off their meds."

I didn't think much of it until one of the employees went outside to talk to him.  You see, he was standing outside of the store where customers were entering and exiting.  He had a cell phone with earphones.  He was wearing them when he was yelling and shouting profanity.  I could see the employee and it didn't look like it was going very well.  So I went outside and stood next to her as she tried to reason with him.  He jumped on the 1st amendment and his rights to freedom of speech.  She told him he couldn't express himself because it was bothering the customers.

As the conversation between them continued, I walked over and sat on the bricks next to him.  I did this to help him calm down and disarm the verbal fight that was about to ensue.  Then he began talking about the "end of days" from the book of Revelation and that's when I knew I had an "in" to talk to him.  I asked if he was a Christian and he said yes.  I told him I was one, too.  I talked to him about the verse in the Bible that says our tongue is hard to control.  One minute we are singing praises to God and the next minute we are swearing.  I told him that even though we have free speech, I was offended by his swearing and then I asked him if he could stop doing it.  He began to quiet down and relax.  He said yes and then he opened up.

Amaro has had a very hard life.  I asked if he was using and he said no.  Then I asked when was the last time he used?  He's been clean and sober for six months.  His girlfriend of ten years moved to Florida with their two kids, ages 4 and 7, while he was using.  He owned all the damage he did and has done.  He felt regret.  He has no job, no friends or family to help him and he was about as discouraged as I've ever seen someone.  I asked if he made calls to the county and he said he's called everywhere but cannot seem to get any help.  I told him to keep trying.

I asked him if he's ever gotten help from a psychiatrist.  He did a long time ago.  I shared a little of my story and encouraged him to try and get back on his meds.  He talked a lot about his singing and rapping and writing songs.  He pulled out some folded papers from his back pocket and showed them to us.  I asked if he would sing one.  He said he had to be in the zone.  I told him that as a drummer, I totally get the zone.

We continued to talk for about a 1/2 hour.  He was completely settled down now.  I suggested he go inside the store (if he could be quiet) and cool off in the air conditioning.  The employee, who I later found out was the manager of the store, offered to give him a pen and paper if he wanted to do some song writing.  He was receptive to the idea.

At the end of our conversation, I told him there was nothing I could do and I wished there was.  I told him I didn't live around there - I lived in Lake County.  He lit up and began laughing about how he wished he lived in Lake County because we have everything.  I laughed along and then I told him the only thing I could do was buy him a meal.  He hadn't eaten for a few days.  I told him to pick a place and I'd go get it and bring it back to him.  It was then that we exchanged names.  He told me what to go get and I doubled his order so that he would have something to eat and drink later on or tomorrow.

I went back into the store to find Pam and pay for my stuff.  The manager walked up to me and thanked me profusely.  She was new and hadn't learned how to handle situations like that one.  She said she learned so much from me.  Pam told her I help people all the time.  I felt tender.  Amaro was already making himself comfortable in the store as we headed to my car.  When I drove back to Half Price Books he was waiting outside.  I pulled up, got out of my car and handed him the bag of food and drinks. He thanked me and then I asked if I could pray over him.  He said yes.

And right there, in front of the store, I placed my left hand on his shoulder and prayed.  I prayed over my hurting brother, that God would give him the courage to keep putting one foot in front of the other, that the doors he needed to walk through would be wide open and shine brightly for him to see and I prayed for provision.  Amaro reached out for a hug and I gladly gave one and received his.  We said our good-byes, I got back into my car and drove away.

God did not want me fix him.  He wanted me to listen to him and all the stressors in his life.  He did not want me to give him money but to instead give him two meals.  He wanted me to use my mental heath knowledge, my instrument experience and my Bible memory verses to help this young man have some hope for a brighter future.

Sometimes, you have to look beyond the behavior to see the deep hurt in someone's soul.
Isn't that what Jesus would do?
I believe so.

A Late Night of Encouragement

When I'm up this late at night and look to the right on my Facebook page, I see the names of the ones I love.  Do you know what I mean?  Those people in the chat column whom you talk to most often.

To them, I posted this:

"Most of you are sleeping right now.  Some for 5 hours and some for 2.  I whisper silent prayers into God's ear, asking Him to watch over you, to give you a good night's rest and to lift the burdens you are carrying so that your load is a little lighter to carry. To wipe the tears from your eyes and, as the Bible says, collect them in a bottle."

"I whisper silent prayers into God's ear, asking Him to bless you and keep you safe.  To rejoice with those who are glad and in a good place, for you have been blessed with ease.  Celebrations of family and God's provision and how none of it is deserved, for those are a gift from God that cannot be paid back."

"But you already know this for God planted these truths in your heart as you were being formed in your mother's womb.  On this day, when you awake to what lies ahead of you, ask God to help you join Him in His plan for you today.  And then...wait expectantly."

"Good or bad, stay connected to Him."

That's my prayer for all believers and all those seeking to know who God is and why He wants to have a personal relationship with you.

You can pray, "God, please help me to remember to join You today in all I say and do."

Or you can pray, "God, I'm still learning about you.  I want to join You but I'm new at this.  Please show me how."

May God bless your efforts as all of us draw closer to Him.