The Process of Becoming

The first time I was hospitalized was through outpatient at Meier Clinics in October 2006. It's an intense program filled with education and challenges.  On the first day they give you your therapist who will be working with you as you're in the program. I remember that morning very clearly when this woman who was very confident and strong taught one of our sessions. I asked God to not have her be my therapist because she scared me. As you may have already guessed Carol Davis-Serpas, LCPC, became the best gift and friend I could've ever asked for during my three years of recovery work.  

After a suicide attempt in December 2006 I was admitted to Good Shepherd Hospital where I stayed for 10 to 14 days. I would return to that hospital another three times after having suicide attempts and no desire to live. But each time I walked out of there I had a little bit more hope because the therapists really cared and spent time with me. We also got to do a lot of art, exercise and classes that were educational and informative. I miss that environment even to this day. 

At Alexian Brothers, God brought a very skilled and insightful team of professionals to help me learn how to not self injure or overeat.  They did this using cognitive behavior therapy and dialectical behavior therapy. 

Dialectical behavior therapy taught me how to use mindfulness, emotional regulation and distress tolerance. Those are not easy to master because the opposite often took over thus making me susceptible to destructive behaviors inflicted on myself.

In my words, cognitive behavior therapy taught me how my thoughts lead to feelings which then led to behavior. This can be perceived as good or destructive. Since I was in the hospital I had obviously used destructive behavior in order to cope with negative thoughts and intense feelings of sadness and loneliness.

While I was in treatment for those 10 days I was blessed to have Dr. Erin Terada as my therapist. I had been released after 10 days then went to outpatient for about two weeks before I began to have more emotional and mental breakdowns in my mind. I was becoming increasingly aggressive in my thoughts toward people that were in charge of the outpatient program. And then I became homicidal with suicidal thoughts. So they put me back into inpatient and back with Dr. Terada.

I was disgusted with myself because I worked really hard the first time to get what I was supposed to learn because I didn't want to come back. But evidently there was something that I missed. What I missed was not just a medication adjustment but Dr. Terada wrote several poignant questions, about five or six sheets of paper, that she wanted me to really spend time on and get to the root of what was causing all this turmoil.

I finished those papers and I still have them. I refer to them from time to time when I need a reminder about why I'm trying to not self injure or over eat. I need to remember that these feelings I have, even though they are so intense, are still manageable based on the choices that I make. My choices are simple but are not easy. I need to talk to somebody, I need to talk to my therapist, I need to keep myself safe in my own home by not playing with razor blades.  I have not cut since sometime in 2014 but I still self-insure inside of my mouth.

Today God showed me why I do the things I do.  It's not to hurt or destroy the beautiful creation that he has made.  Overtime God has shown me that everything I survived as a child to the age of 21 was because I had the will to live. Even though my first suicide attempt was at the age of 11, I know that he saved me from myself. 

I knew from that day forward that even though I failed at my attempts I really didn't want to leave. I didn't want to leave my sisters and I didn't want to leave my mom and I didn't want to leave the few friends that I did have. 

I definitely wanted to kill my dad and I wanted to kill that boy and I wanted to kill the others who had sexually abused me but I did not want to go to jail as a juvenile or as an adult because I knew that I would be very scared.

God continues to show me that all the abuse that was dealt to my little body and my adult body will not be in vain. I've often said that God doesn't waste pain - he uses it for his good. He allows it to pass through his hands because he knows my faith is strong in him and I know how much he loves me. 

And if I ever have any doubts about that all I have to do is look at my arms or my shoulders or parts of my torso and say to myself, "I did not cut bad enough to kill my body but I did it hard enough  to be able to feel."  

God must have a plan for my life.

Just hang in there.

Psalm 23 Personalized

I wrote this in my early days of being hospitalized at Meier Clinics in outpatient.  I just found it in a folder and was struck by it's transparency.  Maybe it will help you - it did me when I reread it.

My name is Amy and I'm a survivor.

A survivor of what?  You might ask.

A survivor of childhood physical and emotional trauma.

The Lord is my Shepherd, in Him is all that I want.

He wants me to walk with Him in the green meadows

where the dew dances in the early morning sun.

He walks slowly toward the stream of water

that cascades over a hill into a beautiful waterfall.

He rebuilds the weariness of my parched soul that 

has been aching for a drink of the Living Water.

Even though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil.  For the evil one has plans to destroy me

but my Shepherd has plans to protect me.  All the days

of my life are designed to bring glory unto Him and to Him alone.

Who else would I want to walk with?  No one.

No other shepherd could ever do what my Shepherd does.

He loves me with an everlasting love.

He restores my soul.

He is for me, not ever against me.

He cries for me and collects every tear from my eye.

All day long, I wonder about Him.

I dream about Him.

I see Him.

He does way more than that with me.

He thought of me before I was even one day old.

He prepared a home for me on this earth.

He's prepared a home for me in Heaven.

He's my protector, my guardian, my Father, my Savior, my Guide.

I long to ask him, "Why so much pain in my life?"

But I suspect He will only say, "Why not?

Have you not grown closer to me through the pain?

Do you not have a deeper understanding of me in your pain?

Your pain will not be wasted.

I will use it to deepen your faith and draw others unto me.

I already have through you.

You just don't know it.

I watch you suffer and anguish.

I watch you fight and I am so proud.

You are a feisty child of mine, one I can point to and say,

"See?  This may have slowed Amy down for a bit but she never gives up!

She always bounces back and does the right thing."

That brings glory to my Name over and over again.

You are very strong, my child.

You have an inner strength that I can use to heal those 

who are lost in their pain and can't find a way out.

I know you are struggling right now and I know you are suffering.

Cry, Amy.

Talk, Amy.

Let it out, Amy.

You are in safe hands.

You are in my children's hands.

You can trust them for I've placed them around you.

You can trust me, too.

Come back to me in your own way, my child.

Don't worry about rules and clubs and how to's and what others think.

Get back to church and get back to my Word.

I love you with an everlasting love,

one that does not fade even if you need to walk away for a time.

The pain you are in is going to take some time to heal.

Don't rush it and please don't push it aside.

Don't live in it 24/7 and remember to talk about it with your therapist.

I qualified her for you, Amy.

She's a softie and I know her heart is tender toward you.

She has something to learn from you, too, so don't give up and don't give in.

You are my precious child, my one and only Amy.

I love you so much.

Be still and know that I love you.

Be still and know I'm praying for you.

Be still and know I've surrounded you with my Heavenly realm.

Be still and know I've provided for you.

Be still and know I'm not ever going to leave you.

Be still and know I will have revenge on those who hurt you.

Be still and know I have anger against those who hurt you.

Be still and know how much I want to see you healed.

Be still and know your writing will change lives.

Be still and know...Be still and know...Be still and know that

you are my precious angel, my precious daughter, my sweet one, my darling little girl.

And on those days when you want to give in to suicide, remember, 

I don't want you home yet.  Your dwelling place isn't ready.

Your work on the earth is not yet done.

When you asked, "Why do you still have me here?",

I want to say to you, "Because I am God and I have a reason."

I can't tell you why.

Trust me.

You may never know but you can trust me.

I have reasons, Amy, and they aren't always easy to explain.

But you can trust me because I've never broken a promise to you, have I?

No, I haven't.

And when I say to you, "Amy, I want you to write your story to bring

hope and healing to those who are still suffering,"

I'm serious.  I want you to write your story.

You have much to share, much tragedy, much hope, 

much experience, much insight, much wisdom and 

much pain that can bring light into people's darkest regions of their souls.  

But only you can reach the people I want reached with your story, Amy.  

You're story will change their lives and in that

I hope you will understand that your suffering was not in vain.

Remember this:  I love you.  I won't ever leave you.  I have a plan and purpose for you.  Do the hard work, cry the hard and lonely tears, reach out to those you need right now, and relax, Amy.  Relax in everything that is coming your way.  I have you wrapped in my arms, my safe and loving arms, and no one can ever snatch you, okay?  Okay.

Love your true Father, 

Abba God.

How Are You Doing?

You know what question I hate being asked?

How are you doing?

Grrrr.  How am I doing?  Let's see:

• Did I get enough sleep?
• Did I take my meds?
• Are my meds working?
• When do I see my psychiatrist?
• Have I eaten?
• Did I overeat?
• Am I feeling depressed?
• Anxious?
• Traumatized?
• Have I had any weird dreams?
• Have I left my house?
• Am I spending too much time alone?
• Maybe I should not spend so much time with others?
• Have I gone to church?
• Do I remember the sermon?
• Am I reading my Bible?
• What am I doing for pain?
• Am I self-injuring?
• Do I want to drink?
• Am I hiding from people?
• Am I watching too much tv?
• Have I been paying my bills?
• Am I trying to keep something a secret?
• Am I wearing the same clothes every day?
• Am I showering regularly?
• Do I have clean clothes?
• Are the cat boxes clean? 
• Is my house organized?
• Is my house clean?
• Am I keeping up with the lawn?
• Am I shoveling the snow or freezing rain?
• Do I have enough things to keep me busy?
• What was the question?

I'm fine.

Those are most of the questions that scan through my brain in a matter of 10 seconds.  I hate that question.  You know why?  Because it's not specific.  It's like asking is the ocean blue.  Yes, in some spots, but it still depends on your definition of blue.  Light blue, dark blue, blue green, green blue.  All answer the same question.  Here's what I want to know:  What do you want to know?

Be specific.  Unless you give a rat's butt, don't bother asking the question because I could say something like,"Oh, I'm okay, if you think recovering from life is a joyous place to be in for 44 years."  Or, "I'm fine.  It's just my face that's having feelings."  Or how about, "I dunno.  Look at me and tell me what YOU think."  

How am I.

I can tell you how I'm NOT:

I'm not satisfied in this life.

I don't like pain.

I put up with recovery otherwise....

I write and type with a sore hand because talking isn't my preference.

I'm not feeling much and if I do, I get rid of it.

Today I'm not happy or cheerful or giggly or smiling.

Those are what I'm not.

But these things, this whole page, isn't me, either.

It can't be.

Otherwise I would be only what I experience and I know more than that.

I know God gave me a purpose to fulfill.

Maybe you should ask Him how I am doing.

My 247-lb Life

I'm starting this writing with a song by Casting Crowns - Who Am I

This morning I was watching "My 600-lb Life," when I met Melissa.  As is true with this show, yes it's reality and YES it's reality.  As I watched her struggle with her weight, it wasn't new to see.  I've watched a few of these stories and they're pretty much the same:

• Fat person can't get out of bed for months or years
• Fat person needs help from family to bathe and it's embarrassing
• Fat person keeps eating poorly but can't seem to stop
• Fat person reaches a breaking point:  Death or Change
• Fat person goes on a 50lb/month weight loss plan under doctor's care
• Doctor performs surgery as different weight loss goals are met
• Skinnier person appears
• Skinnier person is motivated to keep weight off
• Skinnier person's life is restored

So what was different about this morning's story?  It hit me square in my emotional food tank.

I've heard many excuses and many stories.  I've told myself many excuses and many stories.  But here's what made the difference:  Melissa called sexual abuse "incest" and "molestation."  She called it what it was, how she was in junior high when some of the molestation took place and her weight began packing on.  I couldn't  have heard my story more clearly than if it was God talking directly to me Himself.

Sexual abuse, for me, is a nice way of putting it.  It's nicely packaged, nicely wrapped, nicely explainable and nicely received.  But adding words like incest and molestation can tear that pretty wrapping into shreds and expose it for what it truly is.  Sin.  Not just any sin but sin that damages a little girl's hopes and dreams so much so that she hides in the fat of food.  Lusting after food to kill the feelings of ugliness.  Lusting after food to quiet the screams of loneliness.  Lusting after food to keep away anyone who might want to care and love her.

The Bible says that God created us in His image but what it doesn't say is that the image we can proclaim as ours will be damaged by sin and quite possibly shattered into a thousand pieces.  He never promised we'd have a trouble free life.  In fact, Jesus promised our lives would be filled with trouble if we were to follow Him.  Sometimes I think I picked up His cross by accident, not knowing all the trouble had already come my way and then there would be more.  I think the reason I picked up His cross is because I knew we'd be carrying it together.

Going back to the story, Melissa knew she had a lot of emotional work to do in order to succeed in her weight loss plans.  So do I.  The last time I remember talking about those emotions is about 7-8 years ago with my therapist, Carol Davis-Serpas, LCPC.  She stayed in the wrestling match with me and boy, was it hard.  Now I have to get down to the next level of emotions so that I'm fighting, not only for my life, but for what I know God has asked me to achieve.  I'm sure there are others I haven't figured out yet but when I do, I'm sure I'll write about them.

Melissa has lost over 200-lbs!

I've lost 17-lbs.

For now, I try to reduce my food intake, a struggle I've had since junior high and I'm no spring chicken.  I'm confident I can do it - I'm not confident I can survive the emotions of doing it.

That will be my greatest test with the help of my current therapist, Faith Gallup, LCSW.

Worship Music

I've never considered myself a person of worship where singing is required.  It's not my way to connect with God, it does not draw me closer to Him.  There's nothing wrong with me.  It's just how I'm wired.

I've tried to be one of those people who get filled up singing praises to God but I don't get filled up.  But here's what I do:  I watch and read the lyrics on the screen, I take in the words and I listen to the drums.  That's how I worship.

I have a collection of Christian music from back in the day when I first became a Christian.  Some of it precedes that because my Mom would play her Christian music freely in our home.  I liked the people and groups she chose.  I liked the message even more.

Messages like:

• There is freedom in Christ
• Our God reigns
• Praise Him
• Ever Devoted
• Unto the King Eternal
• Many hymns taken from the scriptures and put to music.

Our worship leader at The Chapel in Lake Zurich, IL engaged us in the below songs.  I watched the lyrics, listened to the drums (I'm a bit of a drummer) and sang when I felt lead.  Not because I had to, not because those around me would notice I'm not singing but because for a few stanzas, I wanted to sing.

Here are those songs: