When my previous therapist at LCBH left, I decided I would take a break from all things therapy. I've done that from time to time just to give myself a break from the intensity. I take my therapy very seriously. When a therapist recommends I do or read something, I'm all over it. Thankfully, Faith is the same in her practice.
On a Tuesday, about 3 months into my hiatus, I started feeling like something was wrong. My thoughts were confusing. I could tell my neurotransmitters were misfiring again. I needed a new medication and quick. I was talking to my psychiatrist about it. The depression was pretty bad and I was crying a lot. She asked if I I was seeing a therapist and I said no. She commented that I went from two down to zero. She suggested I see the therapist who replaced Julie. She said (again) I think you would be a good fit.
Faith had an opening that same day a few hours later. I trusted my psychiatrist's judgment so I was looking forward to it but still could not stop crying. It's not like I was happy to meet Faith. It was more out of desperation to prevent self-injury and a suicide attempt. I walked in, sat down and because we only had a 1/2 hour, she asked a simple question: "What brings you here?"
I was befuddled. I wasn't sure how to sum up 40 years of abuse and recovery in half an hour. I prayed, asking the Holy Spirit to give me a clear mind and BOOM! I dumped it at her feet. I basically said:
- Dr. Caban recommended I see you.
- I have major depression, borderline personality disorder, anxiety, panic, ptsd, sexual and physical abuse, I haven't self-injured for three years, I've been sober for three years, I have an eating disorder and I'm a Christian whose attended the same church for 26 years.
- My medication isn't working but I suspect I still need to do some healing work on the sexual and physical abuse, eating disorder and coping skills.
I stopped talking. She took over. I listened as she related back to me our similarities (same church, Christian for 30+ years). Her training included all my issues, including the eating disorder. This is rare from my experience to have someone so well educated. I felt better. Was still crying but knew God did a great miracle that day.
Since that day, I've been learning her style of therapy and trying to put into practice the tools she suggests. Even through dual inpatient/outpatient treatment, Faith has been a pillar I can lean on in a healthy way. She's a visual teacher so I have a collection of drawings we've done during sessions. She lets me lead the direction to go in. If I don't have the confidence to choose the right path, I let Faith know and we discuss it. She's not a dictator. She wants people to do what's right for them. That's where real change takes place.
Faith is helping me write my book by reading the material, making some editor notes, making content suggestions and mostly helping me with the emotional triggers that accompany a work like this one. She's helping me identify why I self-injure based on feelings. Feelings with names are foreign. She's incredibly gentle, soft spoken, warm and patient even when I'm not sure what's going on.
Faith, I believe God brought you in as my therapist to help equip me on how to stay sane, sober and injury free while my story gets written and I continue to recover. You give me positive feedback so I can feel proud of myself. I give thanks to God for bringing you into my broken world. You are a submissive Godly woman and servant who heeds all the credit back to God, keeping none for yourself. I feel safe during our session even if I'm an emotional mess...and that's a very big deal.
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