About This Blog

My blog shares my recovery journey from childhood abuse to living with mental illness. I've been involved in twelve step groups and therapy since 1982. I accepted Jesus as my Savior in 1988. To the best of my ability, I have followed where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. Maybe you'll find the hope and strength you need through what I write. Maybe you want to stop hurting yourself. Maybe you have a friend who needs help and can benefit from my story. I was newly disabled when I asked God this question: "What do you want me to do with my life?" I closed my eyes and paused for a few moments to still my mind. This is what I sensed from Him: "Amy, I want you to write your story to bring hope and healing to those who are still suffering." And that's exactly what I am doing!

Saturday, August 24, 2013

I'm A Depressed Suicidal Addictive Self-Injuring Christian

Quite a mouthful, isn't it?  And yet so many of us stay silent.  Why?  Here's why I do:
  • I'm embarrassed.  Embarrassed to still have "worldly" struggles when I have complete access to Jesus, the Great Healer.
  • I'm scared of what others will think.  Scared of being judged, misunderstood, made fun of, having the authenticity of my faith doubted and people pulling away from me.
  • I'm angry I have these issues.  Angry at my childhood, my parents, the physical and sexual abuse, the alcoholic and the post traumatic stress.
  • I'm sad these troubles are hard.  Not impossible, just hard at times.
Let's do a little Cognitive Behavior Therapy on the above.  Thoughts lead to Feelings lead to Behavior.
  • Embarrassment (in this case) is believing there is something terribly wrong with my faith.  There isn't.  Jesus understands better than anyone how difficult temptation is.  He overcame it and so can I but only with His help.
  • Scared (according to my therapist, Faith) is perceiving something negative in the future.  This can also be called crystal ball or fortune telling.  I have no control over other peoples thoughts, feelings or behaviors.  I have full control of my own.  Living in fear robs me of the present or presents God wants to give to me.  Let go of scared and save it for when there's a tiger chasing me!
  • Anger (according to my therapist, Faith) is feeling someone or something is unfair.  I tell myself God doesn't waste any pain.  Throughout my 46 years of living, I've spent 32 of those years in recovery.  I'm going to have issues.  Accept it and start living a recovered life.
  • Sad is an emotion, when spending too much time there, can turn into self-pity.  Yes, this life is not going to be without challenges and some sad times.  God is going to use those to shape me into the image of Christ for as long as I live.  I'd rather be like Christ than anything else this world has to offer.
Let's change the title of this post:

I'M A LOVING AND GENTLE CHRISTIAN WHO STRUGGLES WITH MENTAL ILLNESS.  MENTAL ILLNESS DOES NOT DEFINE WHO I AM.  CHRIST DEFINES WHO I AM AND WHO I AM BECOMING.  I AM A NEW CREATION. THE OLD HAS GONE, THE NEW HAS COME.