It has come to my attention that I have been processing difficult feelings since my therapy session from Wednesday. I know this because I felt incredibly uncomfortable when we were discussing my assessment. Hearing the past abuse still upsets me. In fact, it makes me want to crawl into a hole out of embarrassment.
Embarrassment? Yup. I feel responsible for what happened by another person's choices. I thought I worked through it but evidently not. It's crazy, I know. At least it feels crazy.
I've been teasing myself with self injury inside my mouth. Today I flashed back to when I was younger. I used to chew the inside of my cheeks raw so they would bleed. I have to be careful I don't do that again.
So what am I doing? Causing bumps but there's no pain. I feel ridges on my cheeks and tell myself, "It's okay as long as you don't bleed or cause pain." But is that true? Really? I'm second guessing.
In my head I know I'm not supposed to be perfect. In my heart I know Jesus is the only Perfect One whoever lived. In my soul I know God, in His image, created me perfectly. But in my thoughts? Yeah, therein lies the mess.
Subject to change.
I'm on week two of writing down the food/beverages/etc. I eat every day. I lost one pound in week one. I started week two today and did VERY well. Maybe since the food is being removed the self injury is gaining momentum. UGH! They cycle of insanity is once again trying to gain a foothold. But not today.
I have sugar-free gum to chew so I chew it. It keeps my mouth busy and distracts those dysfunctional thoughts. I'm drinking plenty of fluids so I stay hydrated and I don't get headaches. I'm balancing the food pyramid, thankfully, since I visited the food pantry. My friend bought me two large jar candles and I got to pick out the scents. Those are used to comfort me.
Oops - I forgot to light one so I'd calm down. hahaha. See? Nobody's perfect.
I have hope that one day I will be set free.
I have love that one day will be sufficient.
I have determination that one day I will not hurt myself in any form.
I have peace that one day I will be with God in HIS timing!
Remember this: God doesn't promise that our lives will be problem free. He promises to be with us through all the problems. That's in the bible somewhere but I can't remember where.
Have a great Friday wherever you are and make the most of your recovery this weekend. Go to a meeting, go to church (or watch it online like I do), call a friend or get out of the house.
