About This Blog

My blog shares my recovery journey from childhood abuse to living with mental illness. I've been involved in twelve step groups and therapy since 1982. I accepted Jesus as my Savior in 1988. To the best of my ability, I have followed where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. Maybe you'll find the hope and strength you need through what I write. Maybe you want to stop hurting yourself. Maybe you have a friend who needs help and can benefit from my story. I was newly disabled when I asked God this question: "What do you want me to do with my life?" I closed my eyes and paused for a few moments to still my mind. This is what I sensed from Him: "Amy, I want you to write your story to bring hope and healing to those who are still suffering." And that's exactly what I am doing!

Wednesday, September 18, 2013

The Battle Inside - The Problem

Like any history buff, I revel in a justifiable battle.  Two (or more) opposing ideas clash together, fighting to make their point so that they can forward their cause and win the accolades of their supporters.  An admirable stance for a worthwhile cause.

The battles I justify fighting are the ones that pull me away from healthy behavior.  When they have a grip, I have to suit up with my weapons of mass destruction.  My battles include:

  • Drinking alcohol to soothe emotional pain
    • Puts me to sleep so I don't feel anything
    • Relaxes me in social environments
  • Overeating to subdue uncomfortable feelings
    • Panic and/or anxiety
    • Scared and/or terrified
    • Sad and/or depressed
    • Angry and/or rage
    • Nervous and/or lonely
  • Engaging in self-injury to feel or not to feel
    • To feel something when I'm numb
    • To feel pain as a way to comfort myself
    • To show people how much I hurt
    • To show myself where others hurt me
  • Suicidal ideation to escape to a better place
    • Planning a rendezvous with God
    • Not being a burden to anyone
    • Giving up on myself
    • Giving up on God
Those are some of my problems.  Tomorrow I'll talk about the solutions I've identified that have been working.