Trauma is defined by Webster's dictionary as "a very difficult or unpleasant experience that causes someone to have mental or emotional problems usually for a long time."
Usually we think of military personnel who suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and rightly so. We think of people who have been kidnapped and held prisoner for several years. There are horrific automobile accidents, shootings and torture and these are just a few.
The atrocities of what happens to children makes my blood boil and my soul cry out to God. I pray for God's vengeance on the perpetrators, I pray they find Jesus, I pray the child or children are given to someone who will show them God's healing and love and I pray they will make a bold statement for Christ's forgiveness as they, too, show forgiveness to the wicked ones in their life.
But then there's me. There's what happened to me. There's hearing my mom being raped when I was just four years old, standing outside her bedroom door, afraid of what I was hearing, not being able to do anything. The monster was making her cry and not just any cry. He was hurting my mom and I hated him.
Then he came after me. Sexually and physically and verbally. I learned how to shut down all of my emotions. All of them. I learned how to stare into his bloodshot eyes even when he shoved me into the wall. Even when he busted into my bedroom. Even when he crept into my room. I was storing up the traumatic events but I didn't know it. It's what I did to survive. It's what I did to protect us - myself, my mom and my sisters.
So the last few days more of this has been pouring out. It's been uncomfortable, it's been hard, it's been draining and I think some sadness had leaked out of my eyes. I hate these times because it's when I want to isolate the most and not talk or see anyone the most.
The reason trauma memories are like hangovers is because both of them are experienced only by the person who is having them. I haven't had an alcohol induced hangover for many years but I remember them. I felt sick in my stomach, very drained and tired, headachey and just wanted to be alone. The same can be said for the trauma memories. I've been feeling sick to my stomach, very drained and tired, not headachey but definitely want to be alone.
I know this will pass when it's ready.
Until then, I will write and take care of myself.
