"Learn to sit in the uncomfortable feelings."
That's what Dr. Erin Terada would tell us.
Those of us who were hospitalized for self-injury and eating disorders.
What I didn't know then was the depth of these uncomfortable feelings.
For someone who has lived her life unconnected to those uncomfortable feelings, trying to connect to them is like trying to find the invisible man in the room. You know he's there but you can't put a finger on him. The process is slow - painstakingly slow.
It's not as easy as, "Give me a list and I'll be able to pick it out."
Or, "Show me a bunch of facial expressions and I'll point to the one I'm feeling."
Feelings have always been a mystery to me.
I used to be punished for having feelings.
Now I'm punishing myself for having feelings.
I know God has feelings. Jesus has feelings.
Even the Holy Spirit has feelings.
Why doesn't that comfort me?
I still think of myself as "less than."
I am less than others, lowly and undeserving.
I am broken, unmendable and scattered.
These uncomfortable feelings are the next layer of the onion being peeled away, struggling to reach the surface but I keep eating in order to push them down. They are alive and I'm afraid of them.
Uncomfortable feelings.
There is hope to identify them and
there is hope to understand them.
One day soon, there will be hope to feel them.
