When I found this picture it is the perfect depiction of how I want to live in balance with food.
I'm well aware of the uphill battle that might be before me. I'm keenly aware that I have not invited God into this battle on a daily basis. I've been fighting all alone.
Why do I do that?
There's a lot of shame hidden beneath my excess weight. The shame comes from negative messages I hear in my head.
"You're broken."
"You lost your value."
"Your mental illness defines who you are."
"Being alone keeps everyone else safe."
Where did those come from? I haven't always had those thoughts. I think they've surfaced over the last twenty years when I first had an emotional breakthrough. After that, the weight began packing on.
It's difficult watching yourself get bigger while you work through hard issues. When your therapist says, "Don't worry about your weight." I was worried...and for good reason.
About that same time, someone at my church pulled me aside and confronted me about the weight gain. I told her I was working on sexual abuse issues and my therapist told me not to worry about it. I was embarrassed by her questions and felt shame.
I want to be able to make good choices. Living in balance requires mental energy and awareness. I'm not sure I have those right now.
It may sound like excuses but believe me, I'm ready to figure this out and I'm ready to include others in the process.
