Why? Because today is the six year anniversary of one of my abuser's death. Six years of not having to deal with dysfunctional birthdays, holidays and father's days. Six years of not having to wonder whether or not I matter to him. Six years of seeing the man, then not drinking, saying he's a good guy, never admitting any wrong doing.
Three years before his death he never spoke to me. To this day I don't know why. He was diagnosed with colon cancer. Then he went blind. I called to let him know if he needed anything to call me. Nothing. The last time I saw him was at my nieces birthday party and even then he never looked at me. To him, even at that time, I no longer existed.
No more birthday cards, no more Christmas cards.
We lived a half mile from each other.
It's as if I had never been born.
A few months before his death, my sister was planning her wedding. I was working and going to counseling with Carol at Meier Clinics in Wheaton. When my sister asked how I was feeling about my dad being at the wedding, I immediately tensed up. I told her I didn't want to be the reason she wouldn't invite him. She said she already had issues of her own and she would rather have me there and feel safe. My other sister agreed.
How wonderful it felt to have my sisters support me especially because it was very awkward to ask for what I needed. Can you imagine asking the bride not to invite her father? My sisters knew what he'd done to me. The secret was out.
Because the decision was not an easy one for any of us, we jokingly said, "You know what would be nice? If Dad died so we didn't have to deal with this." And that's exactly what happened!
My sister never had to tell him not to come, I never had to feel the reality of how his abuse effected my family until later and my Mom didn't have to look at the man who abused her daughter.
We were living lives in recovery as best we could.
He chose to stay behind and live in the disease.
That's why it takes some people longer to recover.
