My psychiatrist weaned back my lithium and added xanex and toprimate. The latter two are helping a lot but the lithium change? I'm not so sure.
How do you tell the difference between a medicine change which treats voices I hear and depression from the grieving I'm going through? Is there any measuring stick that exists? I haven't found one.
The daily fatigue and exhaustion are enough to make me want to isolate from everyone in the world. Family, friends, professionals, everyone. Doesn't matter the benefit they add to my life. The sheer amount of energy it takes to interact by phone or by visit depletes all my energy.
I don't mean for this to sound down or complaining or self-pity. I mean for it to sound honest, insightful and aware.
Last night I had a dream where I was in treatment at ABBHH. I got to see and talk to Dr. Erin, my original therapist one and a half years ago. Seeing her brought a sense of peace - like I was going to be okay. I just needed some tweaking with my coping skills and understanding of my mental illness.
I saw my friend Anne, who was a fellow patient though in real life has never been. She's someone who understands my being an introvert and can easily identify what I need in order to break through some tough road blocks.
I was working on problem solving. I was working with people I recognized yet I don't know their names. Progress was being made even though it was slow. I had to be patient.
The dream ended with Dr. Erin at the end of the hall smiling at me and I at her.
I knew I would not be seeing her again and yet having that knowledge was no longer frightening. I would remember her and all the words of encouragement she freely gave to me. God brought her into my life for a short time and in that short time, she made a huge impact.
Part of dealing with mental illness is accepting that it's a very lonely disease. People don't know how to treat us, at times they are afraid of us, they don't know what to do when we are depressed and they get frustrated when we can't just snap out of it.
They get angry when we refuse to take a shower because we're afraid to get wet, they cry when we sit curled up in a chair and stare out a window not moving or talking, they yell at us thinking that will cause us to snap out of dissociation and they try to use tough love when we're sitting outside in the rain not caring that we are getting wet.
We have depression. It could be Major, Chronic, Major Depressive or any other type of Depression. I have Major Depressive. It's hard to manage. I can be hard to medicate. Sometimes it's hard for my family. It can be hard for my friends.
The best thing I can do for all of us is to learn about it.
It's always good to have more information.
