Every aspect of it.
Neurotransmitters misfiring, hearing voices, brain not able to make easy decisions, major depressive disorder lurking behind every mood disorder and the desire to stay locked away in my house no longer a fleeting thought.
So many diagnosis. Lots of therapy. Bottles of anti-depressants and psychotropics. Daily pillbox. Morning and night. Water and pills, water and pills. Capsules and tablets. Yellow, pink and white. Remember how much of what and when. Remember what's working and why. Remember what's not working and how. I need a brain that remembers to write this down.
S.A.D. = Seasonal Affect Disorder. Most people call it the winter time blues. I've been diagnosed with it but I can't tell the difference from my other depression. It doesn't matter. The steps out of the depths of depression are similar.
1. I make myself get out of my bed.
2. If I still need to lay down, I go to my couch.
3. I take my meds as prescribed.
4. I watch something to distract my mind.
5. I call my therapist if I need to.
There's lots of other things I can do but sometimes, I don't have the energy to do them. Sometimes all I can do is lay down, keep myself in the house and keep myself safe. Sometimes I don't keep myself safe but that's part of my problem, too.
Jesus lived through some pretty awful torture and abuse. When I watch The Passion of the Christ, I cannot watch the scourging scene. It makes me sick and so sad.
The abuse I survived is nothing like His. And yet He died to remind me He knows how I feel and He will cleanse me of all my sin.
Who else but Jesus cares about the dirtiness I feel about being abused by six people?
No one.
Who else but Jesus died to set me free from guilt that wasn't mine?
No one.
Who else but Jesus taught me that the sin I did commit was offensive to God but could be forgiven by asking Jesus to make payment for it on the cross?
No one.
I came to Him broken in more ways than I knew. He came to me knowing all those broken areas and reached out to me because He saw how much emotional pain I was in. He stretched out His nail pierced hand and grabbed onto my glass scarred hand
I let Him hold my hand, looked into His eyes and saw the deepest love staring back at me.
It's time for me to go now.
Rest easy.
