My therapist gave me a copy of the official description. I circled many of the symptoms as being constant. Some of them I don't want anyone to know because I might get hospitalized.
When those symptoms come and go they are very draining. I don't really notice when they leave. Just when they lessen. Other symptoms are scary so I keep them to myself. Some of them I stay at home, on the couch and sleep the day away.
I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I have mental illnesses because they flowed through God's hands. He certainly is not feeling sorry for me so why should I or anyone else? When it gets really hard, I write, keep busy, go for a walk or listen to quiet music.
I've been known to go to one of my sisters houses, socialize with the kids or just hang out. It's good to be around my family. Being around my friends is a little harder. But they understand and that helps.
There are days inside of me I am screaming. Days I want to throw baseballs at a tree. Days I want to use a bat and whack my punching bag.
This summer I plan to visit my solitude spot and go fishing. Maybe do some reading. Or sit by the water listening to the sounds around me.
The depression doesn't have to control my every decision. Some days it will more than others. And some days I will feel more powerful than it.
In any case, Major Depressive Disorder is not a fatal diagnosis. I have professionals who can help. I tap into their training, wisdom and experience as often as I need to.
Finding trustworthy people helps me feel a little better even if the diagnosis doesn't get better.
