Writing about that time in my life unlocked sadness. Not the boo-hoo kind of sadness but the kind of sadness I feel when I see a dead cat on the side of the road. I love cats. Seeing one like that gives me cause to ponder and be sad and then I pray and then I move on. It wasn't my cat. I had no emotional investment in it's life. I had no emotional loss in its death.
The same was true in my parents marriage. I didn't grow up witnessing two people who loved or respected each other. My dad was a dominant, angry man who was sometimes nice and laughed. Unfortunately that side of him wasn't around often enough. In fact, there was no telling when he would be around. Sometimes, he'd change from the nice man into the angry man without warning. Those were the times I feared the most.
My mom was very loving and used to sing to us at bedtime. She'd come into our room and sit on the edge of my bed. She sang Red, Red Robin, Lavender Blue and other songs I can't remember right now. Her voice, to me, was angelic. But pretty soon, she changed. She became more scared and jumpy. When scary things would happen, she would freeze. Where did she go? I wish she would have protected me from my dad.
Divorce. The Bible says God doesn't want that for any of His children. I understand why from only a child's perspective. I also know God doesn't want any of His children to be abused. That's what was happening in my home.
Being the oldest of three girls and the "boy" my dad never had, I was mixed up inside. On one hand I was begging my mom to divorce my dad, telling her we'd be okay without him. On the other hand, I couldn't believe she went through with it because he wasn't that bad. I was feeling responsible for the divorce and in denial about the extent of the abuse I survived.
Through their marriage and divorce, I learned a lot. Some good, some not so much. Most of all, I learned it's important to listen to that small inner voice that God puts into all of us. I don't know what to call it before we accept Jesus as our Savior but afterward it's the Holy Spirit.
The divorce of my parents, literally, saved mine and my sisters lives.
