No where that is safe, everything is quite slow.
The thoughts that ramble above in my head,
They speak truths I try to believe.
And yet I wish they were silent as a the wind and that all of them would leave.
I am scared for the repairs, on my car that must be made,
I fear it won't happen, for that, I am afraid.
My heart tells me differently, my heart does not worry,
It's my own deal with God, in my soul, there is fury.
I look at the stories of people whose gifts,
Have gone beyond their asking, and not just a little bit.
For different reasons they are given quite much,
For deaths and cancer and loss.
Yet here I remain, in my own little world,
Without an ask that's good enough.
Is it mental illness that no one can embrace?
The fight to say alive?
Or must I be in an accident or worse, commit suicide?
Do they not know the paralyzing fear that grips me inside?
Or do they only hear, "money" as some sort of prize?
I've fought and fought to have a life that is filled with strength and not regret. Those body memories and the ones in my head? Those I'll never forget.
Thrashing about my bed when sexual abuse comes up.
Wanting to stop those memories but instead I wake up.
The colors of bruises, the smell of his breath, the staring of his eyes -
Yes, I attempted death.
From four years old to until my early twenties, my body was abused.
It doesn't matter who did it only that I was being used.
Recovery has been hell but what else am I supposed to do?
Let the abusers win and hear them say, "We never loved you?
Really? Yeah, and that's what broke my heart, my trust but not my spirit.
The mental illnesses I have are time consuming enough.
I could list them all out for you but would it could be too rough.
But given now I have nothing left to lose,
I will list them out because in my life, they try to make me lose:
Bipolar Depression
Borderline Personality Disorder
Acute Anxiety Disorder
Acute Panic Disorder
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder
Psychosomatic Seizures
Mood Disorders
Hear Radio and Voices in my Head
Physically I have chronic migraines, a bad right knee that will need to be taken care of someday and I've had two back surgeries in my lumber/sacral spine the latest in July 2010.
So yes, I've had times when I haven't been able to work but that doesn't mean I didn't work to the best of my ability. When the seizures started in 2006, that's when I knew. You see, I always knew if whatever it was that was hiding deep within ever came out, I would be hospitalized. It did - and I was.
No, I haven't worked since 2008.
I've been hospitalized for many reasons since the awareness of the rape.
But that doesn't seem to matter, my mental health, that is.
Unless it's causing me some sort of other hardship, and that for sure it is.
But it's not visible, you see, to those on the outside.
I battle everyday to keep myself alive.
And even though you do not see the battle scars on my face,
I can most assuredly tell you, they are all over the place.
The scars from self-injury, just ask me, I'll show you where they are,
I can say this for sure - I take myself to the hospital using my own car.
Without it I am paralyzed, unable to take care of myself.
I'm not willing to let that happen, no matter what the outcome from the giving of help.
I'll close with this thought it's not a popular theme.
I believe God will take care of me even if the help isn't what it seems.
Sometimes it's yes and sometimes it's no,
In either case, whatever the answer, my heart will say go slow.
In prayer, my God, my need is lifted high.
For you know the worries of my soul and how my spirit longs to fly.
But on this day my spirit sinks into a depression very low.
I want to know you are taking care of me...
Because you love me so.
