When I first met her I was pretty broken and under a lot of stress. She prayed over me as part of a group of warriors. I didn't think much of it until each time we saw each other, she remembered my name.
I have a name. I have my own identity in Christ. I have my own spiritual gifts, my own interpretation of things and my own needs that want to be filled. But it's up to me to ask for help.
I did that yesterday. I waited patiently as she prayed with others. I kept my distance to give them privacy. And then it was my turn.
She took my hands in hers in a way that wasn't possessive but warm and safe. She asked what was going on and as I was shaking, I began to tell her. I wanted to scream, "I'm not crazy but I feel crazy." I didn't need to. Her eyes said it all. And then she prayed.
- Satan is making noise in my head and that's all he can do is clang pots and pans together.
- God sends his angels. She told me about her mother's angel and then focused on my shaking.
- "Breathe in peace....breathe in peace....breathe in peace..." over and over again. The shaking stopped.
- When it was time, I opened my eyes and she asked me what I saw. I saw tents. Civil War tents. In the movie, "God's and Generals," there's a scene when Lawrence wants to show his brother Tom something. He walks him down to a field of tents where everyone is somebody's husband or brother or son. Many of those men will not make it home. But their reason for being there is to fight for the rights of all people, especially those who are not allowed to fight for themselves. It's really quite powerful.
- She told me that she saw me surrounded by a Heavenly host of angels. The tents I saw, with front flaps for going in or coming out spoke to my access to them and their protection over me. I never thought of it that way.
- I mentioned my book and the anguish I feel inside not having started it yet. Having so much content but no structure. She knew someone that might be able to help.
- I love her hugs because I feel safe. I don't care what others call it...I call it love.
- Later that day she texted a word telling me she left a message for that person.
- Later, still, she called then sent the picture of a newspaper article about another possibility.
I took care of myself the rest of the day and spent surprise time with friends. Lots of laughter and philosophical conversation. And a home cooked meal to boot.
So, why sad? All the above doesn't necessarily make one happy even if I laugh and tease and get loved on. I can still feel sad because....I'm sad.
And that's okay.
