I was wondering what to do. Quite frankly different coping skills work for different types of depression. Today I was going to have to focus on being out of the house because my car had to be brought in for a repair. So I packed up my briefcase with things to do because it was going to take at least 1 to 2 hours but I didn't mind. It gave me time to chill out, reread the last few days in my blog and try to get in touch with what I was feeling.
I've mentioned in past blogs that my worst months are February and April. The feelings I was experiencing were directly connected to the death of a friend eight years ago this coming February. One of the ways I cope with sadness is through pictures. I take a lot of pictures. I have tons of pictures of my family and my kitties. I have pictures of vacations and mission trips and some of our parks near to where I live. But today I knew I needed to take some harder pictures. Ones that will help me work through the sadness and shock of her death.
It was a snowy black ice morning when you're driving skills really need to be honed in without any distraction. I was at work when my youngest sister called and asked if I knew where our other sister was. I said no I didn't know where she was and then my sister said the following: "Cathy died in a car accident this morning. I'm on my way out there now." Our sister's husband went to find our sister. I asked about Cathy's son Jimmy but my sister didn't have any information at that time. We were all now on a heightened state of alert.
I was fortunate to work for a ministry where family comes first so I left my job immediately following that phone call. I was familiar with the road where the accident took place but I was not prepared for what I learned and what I saw.
Cathy was driving when she hit a sheet of black ice the car flipped a couple of times and came to a stop upside down just missing a telephone pole. A woman who had just dropped her daughter off at school was in the lane heading toward Cathy and saw the car get out of control and flip. There was a pastor who lived in the house near the accident scene. He and the female driver rushed over to where Cathy lay. She was still in the car with her seat belt on.
The woman could hear Cathy's quiet moans so she put her hand through the windshield and held onto Cathy. And then Cathy went home to be with the Lord.
On that day of that terrible car accident, I went to the accident scene before going to my sister's. It's like I needed proof that Cathy was gone, there really had been a terrible accident and what I saw confirmed it. I don't know if you've ever come across a car accident where the debris is scattered in a field and in the ditch and on the road and near the telephone pole and near the fence. Windshield wiper, her coffee punch card, her insurance card, pieces of plastic from the car, coins, some kind of foam, earrings, screws and metal pieces – that's what was left. And I remember it vividly.
I took some of those things, the little pieces of foam and a piece of plastic, a quarter and a nickel and her coffee card. I thought that if I had a little piece of her in a memory box then the pain wouldn't be so bad. I'm sitting here looking at it now along with a photo of my sister's wedding where Cathy was her matron of honor and my other sister and I are standing with her.
She was my sisters best friend and yet she and I had a special bond because of things that happened to us when we were growing up. Often times when there was a family function Cathy and I would always end up in the kitchen or outside checking in with each other to see how each other is doing. How's counseling? How are your medications? How are your memories or flashbacks? How are you helping yourself? What are you doing that works? What's your latest diagnosis? How are they treating it? What does your psychiatrist say? We had a bond. I have her Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous with her notes and highlights.
It's been a few years since I've stopped at the accident site. I drive past it quite a bit because my sister and her family live up in that area. But today – today I wanted documentation. I want documentation that the accident that took her life really did take place. But there were no more car pieces, the fence had been repaired and the acrylic cross that Cathy's sister had mounted was gone. It was like it never happened and yet I know it did. Because Cathy is no longer with us except in pictures. In fact I have a picture of her at my 40th birthday and she gave me forty things. I could see her gathering up these things from around her house and having so much joy throwing them all into a bag and giving them to me. It was so her. I miss her.
I don't know why I didn't take pictures when the accident happened but my suspicion is that technology may not have been as advanced as it is now. I do have pictures of the cross. And I do have some pictures of her that make me smile. So maybe the pictures that I took today represent healing instead of sadness. The white snow is no longer littered with chunks and pieces of her car. The ditch and the gravel beside the road no longer have drag marks from her car being put up onto a towing flatbed. There was a piece of black plastic today over where some of the car parts used to be and I wonder if that meant that the only thing that remains of this site are my memories.
I have no real emotional connection to the site. I had an emotional connection to Cathy. But my memories of Cathy are not at the crash site where she passed away. My memories of Cathy are in different houses, different celebrations and different conversations.
Maybe God is giving me real healing. Because when I woke up this morning I felt so sad and heavy hearted that I felt like crying going out to where she died. But now that I went there, took pictures and got through those emotions, I feel at peace. And I know that's what Cathy would want me to feel...
Peace beyond understanding.
