About This Blog

My blog shares my recovery journey from childhood abuse to living with mental illness. I've been involved in twelve step groups and therapy since 1982. I accepted Jesus as my Savior in 1988. To the best of my ability, I have followed where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. Maybe you'll find the hope and strength you need through what I write. Maybe you want to stop hurting yourself. Maybe you have a friend who needs help and can benefit from my story. I was newly disabled when I asked God this question: "What do you want me to do with my life?" I closed my eyes and paused for a few moments to still my mind. This is what I sensed from Him: "Amy, I want you to write your story to bring hope and healing to those who are still suffering." And that's exactly what I am doing!

Sunday, January 17, 2016

Dear Doc

There are so many questions pushing their way to the front of my mind that I'm having a hard time picking them apart.  Questions about bipolar depression, related seizure activity, loss of appetite that doesn't resemble chocolate, disturbed sleep, over sleeping, zoning out, staying in my car once I've reached my destination because I don't feel like getting out, hiding in my house under a blanket and watching mindless movies or television and taking my meds as prescribed but wondering, "Why do I bother?"

Feeling very down, suicidal ideation again, looked into purchasing a gun, wanted to engage in promiscuous behavior but all of that ceases because I know too much about God.

I don't want to be hospitalized again.
I'm tired of my meds changing every 5-6 months.
I'm not isolating.
I go to church each week, engage with friends, ask for prayer, attend Bible study, get out of my house when I want or need to and yet I still feel like crap.

So, Doc, what's the solution?  Do I accept that this is how my life will always be because it's been this way most of my life?  Do I use some new fangled technique that will turn the blues into sunshine?  Do I waste my thoughts on things that are not pure?  What do I do?

Please tell me because I'll do it.

I'll see you tomorrow.

(Note to readers:  Please don't dial 911 on anything I've said.  Remember, I use this as an outlet for how I'm feeling, not what I'm acting on)

God let me, out of His grace and love for me, find this: