If My Skin Could Talk

If my skin could talk, it would have quite a story to tell.
From the formation in my mother's womb to the
Present day in my living room,
My skin would have a lot to say.

It would reminisce on the early days of baby wash, lotion and coos,
Feeling the softness of the blanket and my mom holding me tight.
Her kisses on my cheek, her singing in my ear,
I would drift off to sleep with no harm and no fear.

Soon those days were over and my skin felt something else.
It was hard and abrasive, I cried each time it was dealt.
I didn't know what caused it, I didn't know how to stop it,
So I figured out how to tighten my muscles so the pain
Would wrap itself around it.

My skin talked to me by changing colors where I was hit.
Black, blue, green and yellow all those colors were it.
I hid them very well for I was taught to be a good girl,
Besides, who really cared?  I was on my own in this world.

For decades I self injured by pulling my hair out,
I punished myself for my shame.
I cut myself on my arms and torso because
I had no one else to blame.
The biting in my mouth no one else needed to know,
It was a secret I'd kept until many months ago.

My skin was broken by sexual abuse, my little body victimized.
I tell myself it isn't my fault but I still feel mummified.
Someone stole my innocence, I see his face very clear,
I know his name instinctively, I've known it for many years.

If my skin could talk, it would have a lot to say.
From a mother's love to a father's abuse the memories don't fade away.
I hope as God heals me and as I read His word,
My skin will find a place to call home and it's story will be heard.

Meet My Friend, Jennifer

(c) Posted with permission of Jennifer K.

Your face shines upon me, Lord, your warmth invites me in.

I cannot stop looking at you because you forgave all of my sin.

For so long I wandered in the desert, like a sheep, I had gone astray.

When I found what I was looking for, I cried on that day.

Now I stand here with arms outstretched, my hands are open wide.

Take me where you want me to go, I will follow you as my guide.

Sit back and relax as I tell you a story about the friendship between Jennifer and I.

We grew up in the suburbs of Chicago.  She in a little town and I in a little village.  We attended the same grade school until Jennifer moved away for a short time.

Our little grade school had two of every grade except for fifth grade - there was only one class.  I don't remember how we connected but I have a picture of her at one of my birthday parties and one of the two of us in Girl Scouts.  We are beaming with smiles.

My home life at that time was already difficult.  I was sexually abused and the physical abuse became regular.  It was hard for me to sleep through the night after the abuse.  My body hurt, my sisters were crying and the yelling did not stop.  The bed wetting woke me up when I did fall asleep.  Then I had to get up, put something on my mattress to cover the wet spot, put the sheets and blanket into the washer then try to go back to sleep.  I rarely fell back to sleep.

I was pretty quiet at school.  I'm an introvert by nature but this was a different kind of quiet.  I wanted to blend into the walls so no one would see me.  Having friends was fun but also risky.

When we moved onto Jr. High (three years I don't really remember), friendships changed.  Jennifer began hanging out with a whole new crowd that I instinctively knew I did not belong in.  She's an extrovert and loves to be with people.  That new crowd was the school spirit crowd and it was the perfect fit for her outgoing and bubbly personality.

The same thing happened in High School.  After my parents divorced and I wasn't dealing with active alcoholism anymore and I was going to Alateen, I was able to have some friends all four years.  I learned who I liked and the type of crowd I was drawn to.  Simple people who valued loyalty and honesty, laughter and detentions.

Even though I felt sad to lose my friend, Jennifer and I found friendships where we fit and we were both happy.

Fast forward to about a year or so ago.  A friend request on Facebook leads to comments on each other's posts then a shared coffee which leads to a heartfelt reconnection that was planted so many years ago.  There was instant love with no pretense, authentic conversation, a little teasing at her best friend's (and my friend, Saundra's) volleyball game and some really nice chats.

Here's what I've learned:  As children we go through a lot of emotional and relational changes, especially in our friendships.  I believe God plants seeds in people and when both parties are ready, those seeds begin to sprout.  Sprouting leads to growth and growth leads to blossoms.  Nurture in the form of watering, weeding and fertilizing are essential for the friendship to take root and have healthy growth.

Not all friendships from our childhood changed because of malicious intent.  Some of them changed because of unhealthy relating patterns.  Some changed because people were going in opposite directions.  But some changed because God had a plan for the future.  When people remain open and walk through the fear of rejection (that was me), He can circle those people back to each other in adulthood and restore the friendship.  That's what I think happened between Jennifer and I.

I consider myself blessed beyond anything I deserve.  Our friendship is truly a miraculous one.

All this to say:  "There is a time and a purpose for everything under Heaven."  Ecc 3:1

BP/Emotions/Food

I've been tracking my high blood pressure for a week.  Most of the numbers are normal or below normal.  Two of them are high.  Those two are from the last two days.

What's weird about it is I've been in a slump.  A slump is a mixture of depression and grieving and sadness and isolation.  I don't leave my house but it's not because I'm afraid to go outside.  I lay on the couch but it's not because I'm too sad to get up.  I watched multiple seasons of a television show I enjoy because it wasn't depressing - it was intellectually stimulating.  It had some sadness so I cried a little bit.  It had some grieving so I cried a little bit more.

I didn't over react or under react to the death of a main character.  I felt sad.  The show moved on and so did I. The show handled the death well and so did I.  The show did not get bogged down in the grief and none of the surviving characters became suicidal or self injured or gorged on food and neither did I.  As was their custom as lawyers, they drank.  A lot.  That bothered me a little bit but I know as a recovering alcoholic my substance of choice has to be God related.  Mostly scriptural and prayer.

So today I went to therapy.  It felt like there were times I was slipping into a dissociating state but even so I felt a little more present.  We continued addressing the beliefs I have about food.  For some of the deeper questions, I let my eyes stare at the wall while I thought of a response then I talked.  It felt good to be able to answer some hard questions about how my childhood shaped my beliefs about food even if I was a bit disconnected.  Sometimes those questions need to be answered honestly and staying present for the answer is harder than it seems.  Eventually, I catch up.

In my own defense, I believe I stayed present the rest of the session.  I said some things that were a bit shocking to hear from myself.  It's one of those times when I wish I'd had a recording device so I could play it back.  It was my voice, my words, but it seemed to be spirit led.  The Holy Spirit.

I tried to capture it but I couldn't.  I was having difficulty writing.  I was having difficulty hearing what Faith was saying back to me.  I mentioned bringing my laptop in next time so I can type it and she said that would be fine with her.  Yeah, maybe that's what I'll do.

In the mean time, I'm going to practice changing my beliefs about food.  What I learned growing up isn't working for me.  It's like finding my own beliefs in a forest filled with possibilities and choices.  Where do I start?

The first step is to pray and ask God if He wants me in a forest.
The second step is to pray and ask God if He wants me in this forest.
The third step is to pray and ask God if He wants me to walk into this forest alone.
The fourth step is to pray and ask God if He wants me to start walking.
The fifth step is to pray and ask God how far He wants me to walk.

I've walked with God long enough to know life change is slow and healthy permanent change comes in the form of asking, waiting, asking, waiting, asking, waiting, waiting, waiting, then go and ask and wait some more.

He's not Jiffy God.

Me? High Blood Pressure?

I went to the doctor because I happened to check my blood pressure last week.  I've been feeling tired, having migraines every morning and trying to manage a lot of stress.

When I was at Walmart I remembered they have a blood pressure machine.  I sat down, put my arm through the cuff then pressed the start button.  The cuff filled up with air around my left upper arm, stayed that way then slowly released the pressure.  I was shocked when I saw the reading:  158/107.

It took a minute or so to catch my breath.  Immediately I started adding up all the contributing factors that could have played a role in this spike.  You see, I've never had a problem with high blood pressure.  In fact during my last metabolic panel everything was good - even my blood sugar.

I have a wrist cuff at home.  The next day I took another reading.  It was lower but still in the high category.  I called my doctor's office and spoke to a nurse.  She asked me a bunch of questions.  There was no evidence of a stroke or reason for a trip to the emergency room.  Instead I was to continue tracking my blood pressure and see my doctor on Monday.

I'm not the type of person who runs to the doctor every time I have a hang nail.  I'm also not the type of person who avoids my doctor when I have a real problem.  I've had the same doctor for about five years.  He's very thorough and we have a good doctor/patient repore.  I'm always honest with him so that he has everything to be able to give me the best medical advice or medications.

He went through a list of stressors and foods that cause high blood pressure.  I told him:

• Yes, I've had a migraine every morning for 11 days.
• Yes, my salt intake has increased (tomatoes/cucumbers) although my doctor said it wasn't a contributor because I was not puffy or retaining water.
• Yes, my stress level has increased
• Yes, I've walked about 2-3 times in the last 2 weeks
• Yes, my weight has been fluctuating in the last month
• Yes, I'm still seeing my therapist weekly
• No, my psychotropic drugs have not changed
• No, I have no chest pain or palpitations
• No, I do not have dizzy spells
• Yes, I do have times when my hands go numb
• No, my vision does not get blurry

I told him I was willing to take a blood pressure medication temporarily until we figure out what is going on.  He was glad to hear it because that's what he was leaning toward.  He ordered an EKG in his office.  I laughed out loud and said, "Those are always false positives."  He looked at me and asked, "Always?"  I replied, "Yes, always."  "Good," he responded, "then we'll have something to compare it to from two years ago."  

The EKG was fine.  He started me out on a very very low dose of a medication to help the blood pressure go down and stay down.  I'm going to create a sheet to track some things.  I'm a little concerned but more than that, I'm motivated.

If my blood pressure is starting to be effected by my weight then I have the power, control and self-will to fix it.  For the next 30 days I'm going to take a walk every day and watch what I eat.  Maybe I can prove to my dysfunctional and disbelieving self that putting forth some effort can have positive results.

After all, I'm worth it and so are you!

Ms. Joan Rivers, Rest In Peace

I've been a secret fan of Joan Rivers for many years.  Her crude jokes always made me laugh because the words she used were too embarrassing for me to say.  She was who she was with no apologies.

When the news shows announced she was in ICU following a throat procedure I was worried.  Melissa, her daughter, moved her to a private room where her mother could rest comfortably.  She asked that we continue to pray for her mom.  On Thursday, September 4th, life support was disconnected and Joan Rivers passed away peacefully.

In her own words, Ms. Rivers was an actress who played a comedienne.  She was a talented writer who kept index card copies of all her jokes in metal card catalog file drawers.  Whenever she thought of a new joke she would scribble it down on a piece of paper then transfer it to the right file drawer for future use.  All jokes were categorized.

I was surprised to learn Ms. Rivers battled with depression.  It wasn't something she hid from people.  It was something she dealt with quietly with her closest friends and family.

I've watched a few videos on news channels.  The one where Melissa and her son, Cooper, watch the casket being loaded into the hearse so that her mother can be cremated for the following day's funeral.  I cried.  Then there's the who's who attending the invitation only funeral and stories from onlookers who turned out for the funeral.

On Netflix there are two movies:

1. Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work  2010  This all-access documentary chronicles a year in the life of legendary comedian Joan Rivers while revisiting the dramatic highs and lows of her past.
2. Joan Rivers: Don't Start With Me  2012  At 78, Joan Rivers has no interest in slowing down, and no one's immune from her caustic barbs in this stand-up special.

Ms. Rivers lived a very full life.  She did exactly what she set out to do.  At age 81 she was still making us laugh with a show she and her daughter co-hosted, "Fashion Police."

Ms. Rivers will be sorely missed.  I know I'll miss her.  

I'm not the only one.