What's weird about it is I've been in a slump. A slump is a mixture of depression and grieving and sadness and isolation. I don't leave my house but it's not because I'm afraid to go outside. I lay on the couch but it's not because I'm too sad to get up. I watched multiple seasons of a television show I enjoy because it wasn't depressing - it was intellectually stimulating. It had some sadness so I cried a little bit. It had some grieving so I cried a little bit more.
I didn't over react or under react to the death of a main character. I felt sad. The show moved on and so did I. The show handled the death well and so did I. The show did not get bogged down in the grief and none of the surviving characters became suicidal or self injured or gorged on food and neither did I. As was their custom as lawyers, they drank. A lot. That bothered me a little bit but I know as a recovering alcoholic my substance of choice has to be God related. Mostly scriptural and prayer.
So today I went to therapy. It felt like there were times I was slipping into a dissociating state but even so I felt a little more present. We continued addressing the beliefs I have about food. For some of the deeper questions, I let my eyes stare at the wall while I thought of a response then I talked. It felt good to be able to answer some hard questions about how my childhood shaped my beliefs about food even if I was a bit disconnected. Sometimes those questions need to be answered honestly and staying present for the answer is harder than it seems. Eventually, I catch up.
In my own defense, I believe I stayed present the rest of the session. I said some things that were a bit shocking to hear from myself. It's one of those times when I wish I'd had a recording device so I could play it back. It was my voice, my words, but it seemed to be spirit led. The Holy Spirit.
I tried to capture it but I couldn't. I was having difficulty writing. I was having difficulty hearing what Faith was saying back to me. I mentioned bringing my laptop in next time so I can type it and she said that would be fine with her. Yeah, maybe that's what I'll do.
In the mean time, I'm going to practice changing my beliefs about food. What I learned growing up isn't working for me. It's like finding my own beliefs in a forest filled with possibilities and choices. Where do I start?
The first step is to pray and ask God if He wants me in a forest.
The second step is to pray and ask God if He wants me in this forest.
The third step is to pray and ask God if He wants me to walk into this forest alone.
The fourth step is to pray and ask God if He wants me to start walking.
The fifth step is to pray and ask God how far He wants me to walk.
I've walked with God long enough to know life change is slow and healthy permanent change comes in the form of asking, waiting, asking, waiting, asking, waiting, waiting, waiting, then go and ask and wait some more.
He's not Jiffy God.
