Being Numb On Aaron's Final Day of Life

If ever there was a day to be teary and sad with no ability to see,
That day would be this day, because six years ago tonight Aaron died and all he left us was an empty shell of his body.

It was a long and quiet day, it did not go like it was supposed,
For Aaron was wheeled down to donate his organs but he did not die...
No, he did not die like he was supposed to.

They brought him back to his room, did not reconnect the ventilator,
His heart beat strong, his blood flowed throughout his body, his brain was dead.
His mom asked me to stay with him and to come get her when it starts.

Hour after
Hour after
Hour after
Hour.
His heart beat for almost twelve more hours and then it started to be like it was supposed to be.

A steady 125 beats.
Then 122.
Then 121.
Then 118.
And down it kept going.  I went and got everyone.

I kept watching it because soon it would happen.
The 90's.
The 80's.
The 70's.
The 60's.
He was prepared through everyone who had spoken to him all five days.

His heart rate kept going down.
The 50's.
The 40's.
The 30's.
The 20's.
The finality of his life was almost here.

I watched until the end.
The 10's.
Then the nurse turned off the volume before it reached 0.
Grace.

Aaron was gone.
His heart stopped, his blood stopped, his brain eased, he wasn't with us anymore.
By God's grace, He's in Heaven.
Everyone was crying, crying loudly.
I did not feel sadness - I felt nothing.
I felt numb.  I talked to my therapist and that didn't surprise her.
I sat there with the others, asking God what I could do.
"Just be silent and don't move until I tell you to."
I wanted to flee.

There's was nothing more to do.
Aaron would never come back to us.
That much I knew was true.
I stayed with his parents until the very end.
I made sure they were able to drive home.
Aaron, no longer alive, his body stayed in that room until it was brought to the funeral home.
I'd have one final good-bye.
All of us would.

The fifth and final day of Aaron's life:  Aaron's Final Day

The Fellowship of Abuse

The Fellowship of Abuse starts with one person - the one who has been abused. The secret of the abuse is hidden where no one can find it - deep inside their spirit where no one is allowed to go.  Only the secret holder knows it's there.  But soon, everyone will see and hear the shadow that lurks inside.  For the abuse has to recover and the only way to recover is to expose the ugliness that looms inside.

The Abused One survives abuse many cannot see.  In the hand of the Abuser, the Abused One is hit and bruised and shoved against walls and sexually bound to the Abuser.  I wouldn't say it if it were not so.  The Abused One is not allowed to cry or express emotions but the rage wells up.  Even then, thoughts of murder take over the Abused One's mind and the days are counted when that can become a reality.

There are so many opinions about how to heal from childhood abuse.  I (Abused One) have learned to use several of them in different lands of recovery.  Some sound a bit odd, some sound like they came from the wizards of old, some originated from the Bible, some are from the ancient ruins and some I've discovered along my journey walking on the side of the road.

What looked like a weed transformed my troubled self into someone who could continue walking no matter how slow the pace or how muddy the path.  The cloak that covered me from danger also kept me warm when the sun hid behind the clouds.  The Elven bread that had no taste at all gave my body nourishment.

And I think well meaning folk forget that sort of thing.  My recovery began early - age 14.  I gave my life to Jesus - age 20.  I attempted suicide and ended up in the hospital several times, I was in three different inpatient and outpatient hospitals, I've had six therapists and three psychiatrists (the last therapist and psychiatrist for over three years).  I self-injure but I don't cut anymore, I'll have 7  years of sobriety in July, I've had two major back surgeries, my highest weight was 247 and now it's 222, I've lost 10 pounds since changing my meds and what I eat.

It's not easy to be or become my friend.  It's not easy to stay my friend.  My mom puts it this way, "It's hard to be Amy's friend because of all she goes through."  Mental Illness is not easy.  What I have is beyond challenging.  I don't talk easily and when I do I usually shake.  I like to live alone with my cats.  I take my direction from God and only consider other things from people I trust.  Even then it's a maybe.  One friend said, "You suffer in silence, don't you?"  Yes I do and I prefer it stay that way.

The people at inpatient are my people.
We understand each other on a deep and personal level that doesn't require many words.
We love Jello.
We participate in Groups.
There's a level of acceptance.

If I were feeling sad and drifted into oncoming traffic and died, they'd understand.  Sometimes, you just get tired of life.  But since I haven't done that or any other wacko ideas, I'd have to say when God said to me, "Amy, it's not time for you to come home yet," I believed Him.

He's my Heavenly Father.
He's the one I trust the most.
He has my whole heart.

He's never been one of my Abusers.

This is Aaron's fourth day:  Day 4 of Aaron's Death

The Book and the Couch

I was so drained yesterday all I could do physically was very minimal.  I thought I'd be able to work on small projects but my body was tired beyond belief.  All I could do is rest and watch episodes of Marvels Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. - Season 1.

I think the depression, sadness and fear I felt about Aaron dying is still with me.  I know I get very emotional these five days.  I'm going to see my therapist.  Maybe that will help.

I sent out the updates and prayer requests for the book.  At least I was able to get that done in the afternoon.

Day three of Aaron in the hospital:  Click Here For Day Three of Aaron

Taking Care of Myself

Yesterday and today I woke up filled with stress, wanting to isolate, grief and nervousness.  Yesterday I did not want to go to small group though I love each woman in our group.  I went out of obedience.  I was able to pay for this session myself, something I was very proud of, so I didn't want to waste God's money by not attending.

Last night was our first book meeting.  I was so glad I had forethought to write out an agenda.  It kept us right on track for discussion, tasking and finishing on time.  It was the part of the day I was most nervous about.  Even though these women have been part of my past or I knew of them but didn't really know them until now, listening to them express how they personally felt about what they were reading was very valuable and insightful.  None of them seemed overcome by sadness yet they felt sad.  They were not overcome with surprise but they were surprised.  They did not know parts of my past or current coping behaviors though they know me.  They knew I was abused as a child but not how early or for how long.

By the end of the 90 minutes, I was exhausted.  I saw all of my writing in these ladies hands:  All my sharing, all my tears, all the abuse, all the self-abuse, all the coping skills learned over time, all the healing, all the death, all the God moments and so much more.  Today is a day for isolation.  When I feel what I was feeling above, I watch a couple of episodes of something on Netflix then I either rest my body, do some writing or work on a project.  Yesterday I rested my body after small group.  Today I work on projects.

God has a way of restoring my mind and body when I am in solitude.  There's no noise except for the traffic outside.  The sound of a ticking clock.  The movement of the cats.  The garbage truck going by.  Nothing but quiet for my weary soul to find restoration in His presence.

On Sunday, I blew off prayer at church because I believed a lie that I wasn't important enough for someone to stay longer and pray for me.  I was really looking forward to it and brought pictures of Aaron with me.  I went home mad at myself for believing that lie but reconciled it yesterday.  I talked about my behavior in small group.  How I told myself this lie - it wasn't Satan influencing me (sometimes I think He gets too much credit).  When small group was over, my dear friend Ann sat down next to me and listened to me talk about Aaron (through tears) and my nervousness about the book meeting.  At the end, she yelled, "You're the boss, Amy!  You're the boss!"  It was at that moment that I remembered I had leadership gifts, this was my book (and God's) and as long as I stay in tune with Him, my goal of being published in one year will happen.

That's what I told my Merry Group of Women last night.
I want to be published in one year:  04-16-17 (In honor of Aaron)
That's how we'll be marching from here on out.

Subject to change.

The second day of Aaron in the hospital.  Click Here for Aaron's Second Day

Forgiveness and the Beginning of Aaron's Death

Heavenly Father,

I feel like I had a break through as I was praying and climbing into bed last night.  The woman who broke my heart so many years ago has not received what my Dad, Mom and abusers have received in all my years of recovery.

That's my forgiveness.

I have allowed her hurtful behavior to negatively influence my emotions when it comes to rekindling old relationships or firing up new ones.  I've been giving her the power to snuff out safe relationships or try to extinguish merciful ones.  She's had too much control in this area of my life.  It's time to let her go.

"Name, when our friendship first began, I was so thrilled that you would take interest in me.  As we grew closer and you became my most trusted friend, I never thought our friendship would end.  You held me when I cried for minutes at a time, we laughed at stuff we had in common and you trusted me with your kids when you went out.  But one night, you asked to use my car and I could use yours.  I knew what was happening.  Soon after you asked me to breakfast and you dropped a bomb.  The shrapnel ripped into my flesh above and below the surface.  I was in shock.  You acted like everything was okay but you never looked back to see the shattered spirit you created.  Everything was not okay.

Since that day, I vowed to never let anyone get that close to me again.  That lasted just over ten years.  I still don't trust easily, especially when it comes to crying in front of someone, but that's not only because of you.  The anger, rage, unfairness and selfishness of what you did cut deep.  It's been effecting other relationships I want to be real in and I can't allow you to remain a part of me.

Even though I don't understand, God told me last night that I needed to forgive you just like I forgave my Dad and other abusers.  Maybe I do understand.  The best way to have closure with your abusive act is to forgive it.  Well, that's what I'm going to do.  I know it will be a process but I'm committed to do it.  Quite frankly, you never deserved me as a friend - I was only 17 and impressionable.  As an adult, I can say good-bye and welcome the healthy godly people He is bringing to me.

I forgive you and I pray you have a relationship with Jesus."
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6 Years This Week - Today is Day One for Aaron's Journey to Heaven:

A phone call from my mom around 7 pm.  "Amy, you need to get to NIMC as quickly as possible.  Something has happened to Aaron and we don't know if he's going to make it."

I have the gift of intercessory prayer.  I went back to where he was.  I was alone.  I placed my right hand on his forehead and my left hand on his heart.  I closed my eyes to see if he was there.  Nothing.  The ventilator was keeping him alive.

I walked out to talk to my sister.  She looked at me and I shook my head no.

The week was just beginning.

For a better description of events, Click Here April 12, 2015