About This Blog

My blog shares my recovery journey from childhood abuse to living with mental illness. I've been involved in twelve step groups and therapy since 1982. I accepted Jesus as my Savior in 1988. To the best of my ability, I have followed where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. Maybe you'll find the hope and strength you need through what I write. Maybe you want to stop hurting yourself. Maybe you have a friend who needs help and can benefit from my story. I was newly disabled when I asked God this question: "What do you want me to do with my life?" I closed my eyes and paused for a few moments to still my mind. This is what I sensed from Him: "Amy, I want you to write your story to bring hope and healing to those who are still suffering." And that's exactly what I am doing!

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Wait Control


I'm consciously aware, consciously connected to and mindfully grounded in the physical weight of my body.  Here are the facts:

Height:  5'6"
Highest Weight:  247 in May 2013
Current Weight:  231 in Jan 2014
Goal Weight:      135 in God's time


I put this in black and white because my life regarding my weight has been a secret.  It sounds funny to say that because if you look at me I don't look 96 pounds overweight.  I look fat but it's spread out.

Living in what's real is hard.  It's hard weighing myself each week (same day and time) when the number doesn't move, goes down 1-2 pounds or goes up 1-2 pounds.  Granted, losing 1-2 pounds in a week is a wonderful loss and considered by experts to be the healthy rate at which to lose.

Still, I want faster results.

It seems like putting on the extra pounds was quick.  I know exactly when the bulk of them got stacked onto this frame.

I was working a high stress job.  I was responsible for too many things.  I didn't ask for help soon enough.  When I did ask for help it wasn't given with any urgency.

I ate high carb, high sugar foods which I thought were giving me energy.  WRONG!
They were giving me lots of pounds.

I left that job five years ago.  I've had lots of significant people pass away, loss of significant relationships, mental and physical problems, emotional cesspools being drained and financial stress only the Lord can take credit for helping me through.

In other words, the weight acted as a protection from many emotional pains.

Why take it off now?  Simply put - It's time.  I'm sick of being fat.  I'm sick of being embarrassed by my size.  I'm sick of being fat in front of my nephews and nieces when we're out in public.

While I don't have high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol or any other medical condition, I'm not going to wait for those to show up.  I want to be proactive instead of reactive.

I think what I need to do is pray to God and ask for the patience to wait as the weight falls off and to be obedient with what I eat and how much.

This is very hard.  I'm saying good-bye to a friend whose friendship no longer benefits me.

I'm saying good-bye to excess and unhealthy food.  The lie that it protects me from harm.

I feel very sad.