It's not because I have lost faith or given up or have self-injured or compromised my sobriety.
It's because I need to remember all the hard work I've done to get to where I am. To encourage myself to keep trudging down this road of healing. To not give up.
"I am LOVED" This five letter word is what drew me toward a Higher Power when I was fourteen years old. I started my spiritual journey in Alateen, a twelve step group for teens who are affected by someone else's drinking. I was affected by my Dad's. In twelve step groups I learned how to receive love from other people. It was especially difficult to receive love from women and it still is today. I can count on one hand the women I feel love from and trust.
"I am KNOWN" While in twelve step groups I worked the steps. Through my sponsors I learned about myself and about God's desire to know me. I was a little afraid of God because, like a lot of abuse survivors, I put my Dad's face on God's face. That took some time to change but I did it. Then there's the fear of people. While I don't wrestle with it as much today, back then that fear controlled some unhealthy relating patterns. I thank God I didn't get myself into any real trouble.
"I am FEARLESS" At one point in my recovery I had to become willing to go to any lengths to get better. This included multiple twelve step groups (Al-Anon, AA, OA, ACOA, Coda), sexual abuse therapy groups, intense individual therapy, adding psychiatric and psychotropic medications, seeing a psychiatrist regularly and being hospitalized inpatient and outpatient several times. Walking through the fear, I've found, is the only way to get a handle on my issues and learn how to live with unchangeable history while changing unhealthy coping behaviors. One thing's for sure. I never walk alone. I have God, my family, my friends, my therapist and my doctors. They will do what they can to help me through difficult times and equip me with positive coping skills so I don't have to be afraid or feel all alone. They teach me how to pull up the strength I have inside so I can learn how to depend on myself in a healthy manner. Faith calls this positive self-care.
"I am BRAVE" You better believe it! Survivors are most definitely brave. I could list all the ways I was brave but I don't think it's necessary. Bravery shows itself in the moment and when we are trying to put memories away in a lock box. Bravery comes when we don't let the abuse from the past control or influence our present behaviors. Bravery is when I can see a similar pattern of dysfunction and before falling back into that negative pattern, I say, "NO!"
On any given day, I am all of these. Some days a little more confidently than others but still, there here.
"I was" because of my circumstances.
"I am" because of my choices.
