I am a forty-six year old female.
I am a woman who is feeling her feelings instead of eating them and steadily losing weight.
I am a recovering self-injurer who hasn't cut for eighteen months.
I am a recovering alcoholic who hasn't had a drink for almost five years.
I've attempted suicide twice.
I have been in and out of four hospitals for mental illness since 2006.
I have been out of the gay lifestyle since June 1994.
I have been in and out of chronic pain since 1992.
I have been a Christian since March 1988.
I am the oldest daughter of an alcoholic.
I am an incest survivor.
I am a sexual abuse survivor.
I am a physical abuse survivor.
I am an emotional and mental abuse survivor.
I walked into my first 12 step meeting at the age of 14 in 1981.
I have multiple mental illness diagnoses.
I take multiple medications.
I cannot work anymore.
What if I were to walk up and stand in front of you? All of my broken pieces are written on a piece of foam board that hangs around my neck. This is the only side you could see. What would you do? Would you turn and walk away then look back from a safe distance? Would you notice I'm a little disheveled, perhaps a little shaky, not making eye contact with anyone?
What do you feel?
Maybe you take a step toward me and all of a sudden I take a step back, look down and put my hands in my pockets. Are you offended? Does that bother you? Do you see the imaginary six foot circle I have around me that's my safe space? Do you apologize and tell me you were trying to get a better look at my sign or do you interpret my reaction as a silent signal that I don't want you there?
Do you try to look into my eyes?
What if I'm laying in a hospital bed? I have PTSD and it's so bad that I'm having frequent seizures that render me unable to move or talk even though I can talk in my head and hear what's going on around me. They're running tests to rule out Epilepsy. I'm trying to be calm. Then a friend at the time mentions she asked a pastor from my church to stop in and see me.
I've never met this pastor and have no idea what to expect. Time ticks by and in she walks. She is introduced to me and she introduces herself. I'm still not sure what's going on but I know God has a hand in it. She stays for just a few minutes, chats a bit, prays then gives me a packet of verse cards before she leaves.
After she leaves, I notice she had a quiet gentle presence. I know this because my spirit was at peace where ten minutes before it was very anxious. She was soft spoken yet spoke with confidence. She had a smile that lit up the room. Her demeanor was welcoming and her boundaries were rock solid. What I didn't know was God had just planted a seed in my heart with her name on it.
For the next few days I'm going to share two friendships, Marie (above) and Laurie. They will answer YES to the title of this blog. These two Godly women know about (I think) all the stuff at the top and they are helpers (not enablers) when the mental illness is pretty bad. Writing about our friendship will bring joy to my heart.
It has not been easy trusting these women.
I asked God to please bring one or two friends that wouldn't be frightened by my past or present.
He answered that prayer many years ago.
This is one of His promises:
"So if you sinful people know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give good gifts to those who ask him."
Matthew 7:11I am blessed.
