I communicate. Sometimes I'll send a general update about what's been happening. Sometimes I'll send a prayer request about a concern. There are times I send an email to schedule some one on one time. There are times I send an email and ask how they are doing. I prefer that one!
I extend and receive grace. For all the times I know I'm going to have to reschedule, I can certainly be gracious when they have to. It's important to stay flexible and not hold a grudge.
I'm learning to ask for what I need. It's not easy because like most people, I fear rejection. Where is that fear of rejection really coming from? Old memories - not from them.
If I don't feel like I can do a phone call or a get together, I pray about it and take inventory on 'why not?' I ask myself, "Is it because I won't be perfect?" or "Is it because I really can't function?" (For example: This writing is taking far too long to write so I know my brain is hindered.)
I try to be as clear as possible when I say something or write something. Again, not perfect.
I try to be myself, to not hide what's really going on.
I need to take risks and let them in. I've been plenty scared taking those steps toward Marie and Laurie. As I've gotten to know them, I can see how God's plan for our paths crossing is meant to be.
Laughter and sharing stories outside the walls of serious are very important. I am quite the story teller and laughter is one of my best medicines. It lightens the load.
My biggest fear is fear of abandonment. I remember a couple of times when I sent Laurie some emails and I didn't hear back from her. I FREAKED OUT! Not only did I freak out but I was sad and hurt and angry and I wasn't used to having those feelings with her. You know what I did? That's right! I talked to her about it!!!! That's what friends do and that's what people who love each other do. Laurie apologized (which she didn't have to do) but more importantly she and I put a plan together. Talk about the problem, extend grace and forgiveness then come up with a viable solution. Works for me.
I'm sure there are many other points I can make but these are my toppers.
It's difficult having mental illness and friendships. Mostly because friends want to know what changed, how did I become so different overnight, why didn't they see the changes and will I ever get back to the person I used to be?
Truthfully, those are my questions, too.
I would like to tell them I'm learning about all of this while juggling trauma. The best I can do is direct them toward resources that can shed some light. I doubt I will be the person I once was; I want to be the person God knew I'd be as I heal through the trauma.
