When I first met Marie, I was laying in a hospital bed, waiting to be tested for Epilepsy. I felt vulnerable and scared because the seizures were intensifying in frequency and duration. Normally, I would not have let a complete stranger see me in this condition. However, Marie had three marks in her favor:
1. Someone I knew had nice things to say about Marie.
2. Marie was a pastor on staff at my church.
3. I didn't get any warning alarms from the above.
When Marie came for a visit, she gave me some verse cards and her business card. After I was released from the hospital, I believe I reached out to her through e-mail, thanking her for her visit. Her response was warm, caring and sincere.
I started talking to her just a little bit through email. She never made me feel like I was too complicated. I was very careful not to disclose too much too soon. I was cautious just like I am with everyone.
When I had to have back surgery she was one of my prayer cheerleaders. She asked me to join a small group she was having in her home. The study was going to be based on our Senior Pastor Bill Hybels' book, "Power of a Whisper." It was going to start 2 months after the surgery so I had plenty of time to get back to her with an answer.
I didn't know what to say. The reason I mention this is because I hadn't been part of a small group for several years. I'm an introvert with mental illness who grew up in an alcoholic home where I was constantly abused. In the past I'd been in some great small groups but since I've been in God's plan for my recovery, I tend to shy away from them. Marie knew this and asked me to pray about it. Second, I didn't know Marie in a more intimate setting. Third, she was the only one I knew in the group. Fourth, I was healing enough to be able to sit pretty comfortably but if something happened during group, I'd be embarrassed. Last, having a staff person from my church invite you into their home is a major big deal. I figured I must be someone Marie can trust. It was humbling. What did I decide to do? I decided God was opening a door for healing. He was using his daughter Marie to take his daughter Amy by the hand and show her she's in a safe place.
On some Sundays, I would go to her section of the church service. I would be there to be with God, of course, but I'd also be so excited to see her. Sometimes I'd save a seat for myself on the main floor then go up the other two floors just to say "hi" and get a hug!
She always wanted to know how I was doing. Why? Because she cared about me.
I'd give a quick answer and if she looked at me a certain way that said, "Tell me more," I'd add some more details or tell her I'd email them. I never wanted to disrupt her ministry time. Well, maybe once or twice!
I really wasn't sure what God was up to as far as a friendship was concerned. I decided I would toss little bits of my life at her and see how she handled it. She did very well. Over time her warmth toward me grew. That's not what I thought would happen. After all, people with mental illness can't have close personal relationships, can they. Or can they?
Yes, we can.....if......
If the person we seek out has a healthy sense of self.
If the person we seek out has healthy boundaries.
If the person we seek out has an active lifestyle.
If the person we seek has a relationship with Jesus.
If we learn how to identify safe people (Safe People by Dr Henry Cloud)
If we learn how to receive sincerity in it's purest form.
If we listen for God to say, "Yes, this is a new friend for you to enjoy."
If we've given our lives to Jesus and been forgiven for our sins.
At some point, Marie began sharing her own heart. At first I felt inadequate because of the mental illness but then I remembered the day she walked into the hospital. If she had the courage to walk into my room then I could muster up the courage to be a sounding board. Even today, I still get butterflies in my stomach!
Mental illness can't stop us from having meaningful friendships unless we let it. However, there are times I have to cancel get togethers with Marie and that makes me sad. Every time the depression kicks in or my anxiety shoots up out of nowhere, or the ptsd gets a grip on me, I have to remind myself that Marie understands.
I don't have to decorate the mental illness to hide it to make it look better for any given day out of fear that it will scare Marie and she'll have to say good-bye. I don't have to make excuses for it and I don't have to be afraid. As long as I tell the truth, I can take it to the cross and let God do with it as He sees fit.
Marie's friendship has taught me many things but this is the main one: I don't have to be perfect.
Do I still get scared that I'll do something and she'll have to leave? Not so much nowadays. She once read a book just to have a better understanding of what I'm dealing with everyday. I was shocked and touched.
Who does that? People who love you and want to understand your illness better.
Thank you, Marie, for opening up your time and extending grace over and over again.
