This morning's defense was about my weight and being fat.
It's imaginary theater in the trappings of my mind.
The woman I am talking to knows me a little bit but nothing about my past. She has worked hard to be in good shape and I have a deep amount of respect for her.
I'm at her house when she says to her daughter, "C'mon, let's get going. You don't want to be fat like your Aunt Amy."
"Really?" I said. "Maybe you outta school your girl on what some of the reasons are why some girls are fat. It's not all for the love of food.
Maybe some of us were sexually abused by our fathers from an early age, maybe we had 6 other abusers; what about the physical abuse with bruises on our bodies from being hit with his hands or being beaten with his belt.
What about the time he slammed me and my sister's heads together when we were running outside and the next thing we knew he grabbed us by the back of our necks and wham! And let's not forget our mom taking us out of the house for the weekend only to come home to the furniture being broken and strewn about in his fit of rage.
Then there's the yelling, all the yelling, at night when I'm supposed to go to school the next day. Yelling at my mom, yelling at me, grabbing me by the front of the neck and shoving me up against the wall, staring at me, not making a move or a noise. It was a game and I prayed for the day I'd be big enough to kill him.
And when they divorced finding out about his affair. I moved in with him for three months. Then I moved out. I was such a mess. I didn't want him in my life anymore and told him.
He came back into my life when Ryan was born. He denied abusing me when I confronted him. In later years, he was diagnosed with colon cancer. He stopped speaking to me and stopped returning my calls three years before he died.
When he did die, I was sad. But you know what? My name was not in his obituary like my other two sisters. I didn't exist. So how do you think that made me feel? Even more sad that I was never wanted by him.
So don't ever tell me or anyone else a screwball's opinion of why I'm fat. Many people, especially woman, don't have the guts to listen to the truth without judging. Have the courage to ask us about our weight then prepare yourself to really listen with your heart and not just your ears."
I don't know that God would ever have me go off like that on a person but wow, did that feel good to write. And I didn't even write half of what I wanted to say.
Abused people, or at least this abused person, wants to spew out all the corrosive memories that still make me cry. I know I'm just getting in touch with those feelings and the sadness still needs to steadily stream out yet I look forward to the day when the book God wants me to finish will be filled with those memories and my spirit will be freed up to help others through theirs.
The weight is creeping off and I'm okay with it. A little excited, actually. It feels good to be in a good place to put these pounds to rest. It's like I'm burying them in the past where they belong.
Isaiah 26:8
"Lord, we show our trust in you by obeying your laws; our heart’s desire is to glorify your name."
