I am feeling a bit under the weather and alone in the mental illness I live with. That's normal because seldom do I find someone who shares the same struggles I do on a daily basis. I've learned to put on my happy face so I don't draw attention to myself from anyone in the outside world. I am most comfortable being myself at home with the door closed where no one can see me.
I made a mistake this week I really regret. I was trying to recharge my car's air conditioning. Everything was going good until the gauge went into the red zone. That meant I needed to add refrigerant first. Without thinking, I started to unscrew the gauge. I didn't realize the pressure built up inside the can. Well, let's just say $38 worth of a/c coolant sprayed all over the passenger side of my car, including the lubricant, so there went $38 down the drain. I was horrified because I was using my birthday money to do this and I could do nothing to stop it.
After talking to a great mechanic, he told me I could get my systems dye checked for leaks for $44 to see if it's the compressor (which is more than likely because of our very harsh winter weather) and that would cost $500. Well, that's not going to happen. I live on disability pay and right now I have more important car repairs scheduled through the end of the year.
Summer number two without air conditioning.
But you know what? I know my God is a big God and He will supply all my needs. I don't see a/c as being a need. It's a luxury. I have a/c in my house and it's wonderful. I have a friend I hang with during the day and she has a/c if we're running errands and need it. In the great scheme of "needs", this is not one of them.
People are homeless, living on the streets.
People are dying from AIDS including babies our country.
Parents are living in squalor conditions, feeding their kids grass or mud cookies to survive in Syria.
People, young and old, are committing suicide because they have no hope.
People are dying from drug and alcohol addiction because they want to kill those inner demons.
What you're about to read is my opinion only:
Jesus is the only hope any of us have. He was born to bring us hope. He taught to teach us hope. He met with sinners to give them hope. He endured a beating we should have had to show us our hope in times of trouble. He walked and carried our cross to show us to always look ahead to our gift of hope. He laid down on the cross and looked up at Heaven while He was being nailed to the cross to show us who to focus on when our hope was fading and needed to be restored. When His cross was being raised and thumped into the ground and Jesus cried out in pain, His cry reminded us that sometimes hope comes at a cost. When the thief was mocking Him about sending the angels to get Him down, Jesus had hope that His Father was taking care of everything. When the second thief rebuked the first and asked Jesus to bring Him into Paradise with Him, Jesus' spirit of hope was lifted and He said, "You shall be with me." When Jesus looked to His Mother and to John, the disciple He loved, he had peaceful hope giving His Mother as John's Mother and John as His Mother's Son. When Jesus said, "It is finished," He had hope that He finished His Father's purpose for His life - To reconcile us to God so we could spend eternity with Him.
My Savior is my only hope. When mental illness tries to rob me of hope or tries to make itself the end all of all my problems, I can't let it. I fight to make it what it is - an interruption of my thoughts.
If I make it any bigger, I'm sure to lose the battle and therefore, lose hope that all will be well.
