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| Chain O'Lakes, IL - Pontoon Boat is the almost centered green canopy one |
I've shared before about learning to drive when I was eight years old. I remember sitting on my Dad's lap in an old Chevy. He let me do some steering and the brake. I remember thinking this was a lot of work but it was also a lot of fun.
As I grew up my Dad continued teaching me how to drive. By age 10, I was driving 14 miles to get us home. My dad was sitting in the passenger seat, drunk. He would say to me, "Watch for the cops. If you see one, tell me and I'll toss out the beer bottles." My thought was, "What if they pull us over, then what?" But that never seemed to be a concern for him.
Several years passed and I drove many times with him drunk. Sometimes one of my sisters would be in the car begging my Dad to let me drive. Those were the times when he said to me, "Let me know when I'm crossing the yellow line or the white line." By the grace of God, we arrived at the destination safely. And yes, he told me to drive home.
When my parents divorced, I had just turned fifteen years old. I had drivers education the following Spring. I was the only one who could drive in reverse and the only one who had eight years of driving experience. I was always the first one to drive out of the three of us. I almost aced the written test and I passed the driving test the first time. No surprise there.
About a decade later, my Dad bought a Pontoon boat (pictured above). The only time I'd been in a boat was with my family and we were close to running out of gas. I was having a panic attack, convinced I was going to drown, even though my parents reassured me I was okay.
When my Dad asked if I wanted to go for a ride in the Pontoon on the Chain O'Lakes which is in northern Illinois, I said sure. To my sadness, he was drinking and appeared drunk. He got behind the wheel and was teaching me how to navigate through the waves and keep my eyes out for wave runners, water skiers, tubers and other boats.
Then he did something I'll always remember. While he was piloting the boat with a beer in his hand, he stood up and walked away from the steering wheel! He looked at me and said, "Here you go." I'm stunned and said, "Dad, I've never piloted a boat." He said, "I know. I'm going to teach you. You better get over there."
So there I am, once again, in a position like I was when I was ten years old. I had a drunk Dad giving me driving/piloting lessons when he's drunk. I'm scared, I don't really know what I'm doing and I'm shaky because I feel responsible for whatever happens next.
I don't remember how the boat ride ended. I don't know if I pulled it into the slip or if he did. I remember what could have been a fun time with my Dad, just the two of us, ending up being another disappointment that the disease of alcoholism stole from me.
So many times I wanted my Dad to choose me instead of the beer.
My dreams of having a normal Dad died.
I knew I would never have the Daddy this little girl wished for.
