Sometimes I take a shower though that has not been the case since December. I make sure my hair is washed and the clothes I wear are clean. I brush my teeth and wash my face. I try to use my hygiene to cover up the raw emotions, anxiety and yes, stress, I am feeling inside.
Once the hygiene is finished, I focus on the intellectual. The part that uses words, sentences, stories and dialogue is often elusive when I am in a social environment whether I'm with my family or friends. It's as if my brain gets muddled and thoughts that I had organized to flow out smoothly get derailed by an anomaly I can never catch quick enough. I end up stopping at the beginning or mid sentence. I try to force out what I want to say but nothing comes out. Then I try to make a joke to ease the moment. I feel intellectually lost in those moments. I wonder why that happens and if it's going to get worse.
Being fully engaged, to me, means I accept the limitations and the strengths I have at this junction in my life. I'm not nearly as able to tackle the complexities or multi-task high level thinking and delegating like I used to be able to. I don't have near the capacity to be involved in volunteering at my church, being part of a small group or attending church twice a week as was my spiritual nourishment. I no longer have the finances to give to those in need, who need food or medicine or Jesus, like I used to. I cannot pay my own medical expenses or car expenses or buy healthy foods for myself because the money I receive from disability doesn't cover all of those at the same time.
But here's one thing I do know: God is showing me everyday that I have choices. He's given me this body to manage and I've lost 30 pounds. I have another 80 to go. He's given me finances to manage. I'm getting one car repair done per month and I've made medical payment arrangements. He's given me the best psychiatrist and therapist and with the both of them, I am able to speak freely so that I don't drink or self injure or hurt myself in any other way. He's given me a loving family, loving and understanding friends and a Savior who I can put all my fears and sorrows at His feet and He takes them to the cross.
This is life.
No matter how much I want it to be easier or less painful for those I love,
God reminds me that He never promised us an easy life.
He promised He'd be with us through it.
Amen
