Today I watched the movie, "What About Bob," starring Bill Murray and Richard Dreyfuss. This is a must see for people who need a good laugh and a prescription requirement for people with mental illness. It puts into perspective what a lot of us deal with but hide from everyone or what we deal with that others see when we wish they didn't.For a few months I've been having this feeling that I should check myself into the behavioral health hospital. I feel a little lost inside, like I need some refreshers in the direction I should be going. I picture myself in the hospital group room with a therapist who is teaching us how to make good choices in managing our mental illness.
I'm among other sufferers from all kinds of backgrounds. They help draw me out of my shell and rebuild my self confidence. They get me. They are my people. We share from the gut because the gut is all we have left. We are safe with each other. Some struggle with addictions. There are no self injury or food issues in this unit. I would feel very at home like I did two years ago before I was moved to the self injury unit where I belonged at the time.
In my mind, I can see the nurse's station, the hallways with the rooms, the group/tv room, the exits and where the towels are kept. I can see the shower bins where all of your supplies are stored under lock and key for safety. I can even remember some of the staff...safe people amid the noise and busyness.
The only thing I have to get myself through is the body check.
I'd have to remove all of my clothing, not all at once.
They have to make sure I'm not smuggling in a razor blade or other weapon.
As you can imagine, a victim of sexual abuse does not bode well with this mandatory procedure. Thankfully, the staff was very kind and patient. They were the exact same the second time I was admitted. I have no reason to doubt anything contrary the third time.
My mom reminded me that I spoke to her about checking myself in a few months ago. If I'm still feeling that way but I haven't done it, I wonder what that means? Do I keep doing what I'm doing? Do I make some changes and hope for the best? Or do I talk to my therapist and ask her what she thinks?
My psychiatrist is fully supportive of whichever decision I make.
I guess I'm not ready -
Yet.
