It's still difficult for me to talk.
To talk when I'm angry or
Disappointed or
Scared or
Sad or
Anxious or
Vulnerable or
Unsure of how I'm feeling.
Feelings are elusive at times for reasons unknown to me.
I can be having a conversation with someone when all of a sudden I hear my voice shaking. I feel my body shaking. I feel my foot bouncing on my knee.
My eyes are not looking at the person I'm talking to. They are looking at the ground or across from me or at the person for a brief second then quickly away. I try to look okay but then comes the question.
"Amy, what's wrong?"
"Oh, it's nothing. Sometimes I shake when I talk."
I down play it.
I down play the fear I'm feeling inside so that they don't feel uncomfortable.
I down play the fear I'm feeling inside so that they don't feel responsible.
I down play the fear I'm feeling inside so that I don't need to take a closer look at what's really going on.
I'd rather not focus on myself. I don't know what I've been up to. I don't know how I've been doing. I don't know how I've been feeling. I don't know why you ask me these questions but I wish you'd stop it.
No....don't stop it.
(Pause)
How am I supposed to have friends if I can't answer their basic questions without shaking? Does anyone know the answer to that one? Do I do it and keep shaking no matter how uncomfortable it makes me?
For now, that's the only way I know how to do it.
