The sexual abuse memories are the hardest. For months at a time I could not sleep in my bed. I had to sleep on the couch. Even then I did not sleep. I felt his presence and I awoke startled. I would be breathing hard sitting up in the dark. I'd have to catch my breath and reacquaint myself with my surroundings. Eventually I would settle down. I would lay down, on my back with my covers pulled up to my chin and my eyes staring up at the ceiling. Sometimes I fell back to sleep; sometimes not.
During this time my body was on full alert. It was on super sensitive overdrive. I remember being in the bathroom a few years ago. I started running the water for the shower. I removed all of my clothing. I was standing in front of my mirror with my hands resting on the counter top and my head down when I felt a man's presence behind me and his breath on my neck. Instantly my head shot up, my eyes wide open and I saw no one. My skin had goosebumps all over and my stomach felt sick. I knew someone or something had been in that room with me.
I was frozen. What just happened? Did a memory take on physical form and repeat itself? Did God allow a sexual abuse incident to pass through His hands so that I would know my Dad had abused me in the bathroom, too? Was Satan given permission to freak me out with God knowing I'd still come back to Him? What was this all about?
At the time it happened, I was in therapy with Carol. I don't recall if I told her or not. I remember feeling embarrassed and responsible for this perpetrated act upon me. I felt it was a secret I wasn't supposed to tell because it sounded too ridiculous to be true. After all, what grown woman can feel the presence of a man and the breath of someone who isn't even there? Someone looney, that's for sure.
Fast forward to now. I try to get myself ready to paint the bathroom where that memory happened and something inside of me is frightened to death. I tell myself the new color will make that memory go away but that doesn't work. Instead, that memory gains momentum and causes a heavy burden of pain and sadness. Feelings I never felt when this happened a few years ago.
I talked with my friend, Kim. She listened as I explained what it was like to experience that abuse all over again. How I felt naked and exposed and unsafe if I took a shower in there. Why I don't take showers due to the above. What it would take for me to reclaim the bathroom as my own and remove the abuse from that room.
First, I have to come face to face with the feelings the abuse caused. If I don't acknowledge those feelings and put them into my lock box that I learned in EMDR then I won't be able to move onto the next best thing God has planned for me to do.
Second, I have to paint and make some changes to the bathroom. I need to replace the tub because of the color and possibly put in a stand alone shower. I have friends that can help so we'll see what they can do.
Third, I have to do what I can when I can. Being gentle with myself and asserting boundaries are the best ways I can take care of myself. I opted to not go to therapy because I simply cannot think straight to talk (writing is much easier) and I'm planning a day of rest so that I can feel a little bit better with each passing day.
Even though I'm not talking to God (except on a friend's behalf for her husband) it doesn't mean I don't love Him with all my heart. I do. It's just hard to be with him when the sexual abuse is starring me in the face knowing He let it pass through His hands. But you know what? He understands and I know He hasn't turned away from me.
That's all for today.
Thanks for listening.
