At first it was because I didn't have any more copies of my sheet. Then it became I didn't have the desire to write things down. Then it moved to not wanting to write things down because I knew I was slipping. Then I didn't want to talk about it so I ignored having to make the copies. Now I still care but I'm not sure the answers are in the details. I think they're in the big picture.
I'm trying to get to the bottom of why I can't take a shower. My sister gave me two gallons of paint. One is a primer and one is white with a very subtle hint of cream. My bathroom now is sage green. We think if it's bright in there it will feel better and induce showering. Now I just have to paint it and see if it works. It''s just that I need the energy to paint. That's something to do today.
I have no desire to talk to God. No desire to listen to the Bible. No desire to check in with Him. I feel angry and don't want to be around Him. I know he is with me. I'm stuck with it. I don't want to interact with Him. I know He understands where I'm at so I take comfort in it. Someday I will wander back but for now that's how I feel.
I'd rather eat or starve myself. I'd rather drink than talk about what's stirring up inside. I'd rather run away to my safe spot than stay here and face what's bubbling up to the surface. I'm very tired. I'm sleepy early at night and stay asleep most of the night through.
I'm taking my medication as directed. I think I'll lay down and rest.
Thanks for listening.
