Sunday
morning I listened to the two church services I’d gotten behind on. At the end of the second one the pastor asked
a question that I can’t remember right now.
That question did not leave my mind as I started on another walk on a
different route looking for my cat.
As I walked, I felt the welling up of tears. I didn’t expect to find her but I knew this was going to be my final look for her. As I was walking I knew some of the tears were for Kitten but the depth of the sadness I felt??? There was more to it.
I talked to God and told Him how scared I am to write the book. I thought I dealt with all of my issues in therapy and I couldn’t understand why writing my story is such an emotional upheaval. You know what He said?
He said, “Amy, you’ve never felt the emotions of what happened to you. You’ve gone through 12 step groups and therapy reporting what’s wrong with you but not ever feeling what happened to you. I want you to feel what happened to you. I want you to tell people how you felt when those things happened to you. I don’t want you to be a reporter – I want you to give people hope who are suffering. That means people who are hurting, right now, in their feelings. I can’t help them through you if you won’t get into your feelings.”
I was not comforted. I live in an iron vault. I shed a few tears here and there but I don’t cry. I feel love, proud, happy, anger and other emotions. I’ve learned to control my emotions due to the Borderline Personality Disorder. I have very little expectations and very few friends. I’ve accepted the fact that I have been given a hard life and it’s still my responsibility to let Jesus shine through me.
What I don’t know how to do is feel sad for what happened to me. For example, I asked my therapist to read one of my blogs. At one point while she was reading she exclaimed, “Neglect! Pure Neglect!” It startled me a little bit and I felt bad for my parents. My parents? Misplaced emotions.
Back to the walk. I finished the walk and went inside. I was fiddling around with some stuff and watching a movie. I kept feeling this surge of sadness wanting to come up and out of me. I remembered what God said. Over the next couple of hours, I allowed it to slowly come out until it came out in its entirety.
Let me tell you about it. I remember crying very hard, asking God to bring Kitten home. I remember crying very hard, telling God He can do this. I remember crying very hard, telling God I promise to be good, I promise to be good. I remember crying very hard, telling God bring her home, bring her home.
I cried very hard repeating those requests. I heard my inner child pleading she’ll be good, she’ll be good if God would bring back her kitty. When I heard those pleas, I knew why my writing has been stalled. She needs to know she is safe and protected and no one is going to bring harm to her. She needs to know I will continue protecting her by seeking God’s protection from the evil one throughout this entire process. I need to promise her that I will not go at it alone, that I will let Jesus and the Holy Spirit lead the writing of this book. She won’t have to do anything unless she wants to or unless the Father asks her to.
Is that all she was crying about? No, I think it was much more. She grew up abused, exposed, vulnerable, secretive, threatened, neglected, unprotected, alone and broken. The only things that she loved and loved her back were her kitties and the monster abused them, too. It makes sense that the book scares her and the loss of Kitten saddens her so deeply.
Now it’s my turn.
As I walked, I felt the welling up of tears. I didn’t expect to find her but I knew this was going to be my final look for her. As I was walking I knew some of the tears were for Kitten but the depth of the sadness I felt??? There was more to it.
I talked to God and told Him how scared I am to write the book. I thought I dealt with all of my issues in therapy and I couldn’t understand why writing my story is such an emotional upheaval. You know what He said?
He said, “Amy, you’ve never felt the emotions of what happened to you. You’ve gone through 12 step groups and therapy reporting what’s wrong with you but not ever feeling what happened to you. I want you to feel what happened to you. I want you to tell people how you felt when those things happened to you. I don’t want you to be a reporter – I want you to give people hope who are suffering. That means people who are hurting, right now, in their feelings. I can’t help them through you if you won’t get into your feelings.”
I was not comforted. I live in an iron vault. I shed a few tears here and there but I don’t cry. I feel love, proud, happy, anger and other emotions. I’ve learned to control my emotions due to the Borderline Personality Disorder. I have very little expectations and very few friends. I’ve accepted the fact that I have been given a hard life and it’s still my responsibility to let Jesus shine through me.
What I don’t know how to do is feel sad for what happened to me. For example, I asked my therapist to read one of my blogs. At one point while she was reading she exclaimed, “Neglect! Pure Neglect!” It startled me a little bit and I felt bad for my parents. My parents? Misplaced emotions.
Back to the walk. I finished the walk and went inside. I was fiddling around with some stuff and watching a movie. I kept feeling this surge of sadness wanting to come up and out of me. I remembered what God said. Over the next couple of hours, I allowed it to slowly come out until it came out in its entirety.
Let me tell you about it. I remember crying very hard, asking God to bring Kitten home. I remember crying very hard, telling God He can do this. I remember crying very hard, telling God I promise to be good, I promise to be good. I remember crying very hard, telling God bring her home, bring her home.
I cried very hard repeating those requests. I heard my inner child pleading she’ll be good, she’ll be good if God would bring back her kitty. When I heard those pleas, I knew why my writing has been stalled. She needs to know she is safe and protected and no one is going to bring harm to her. She needs to know I will continue protecting her by seeking God’s protection from the evil one throughout this entire process. I need to promise her that I will not go at it alone, that I will let Jesus and the Holy Spirit lead the writing of this book. She won’t have to do anything unless she wants to or unless the Father asks her to.
Is that all she was crying about? No, I think it was much more. She grew up abused, exposed, vulnerable, secretive, threatened, neglected, unprotected, alone and broken. The only things that she loved and loved her back were her kitties and the monster abused them, too. It makes sense that the book scares her and the loss of Kitten saddens her so deeply.
Now it’s my turn.
§ I
need to pray to my Father before I write, each time I write.
§ I
need to write down my feelings, each time before I write.
§ As
I am writing, I need to write down the feelings I am having.
§ As
I am writing, if I am triggered, I need to write down the trigger and brain
dump what happened so that Faith, Laurie, Kim, Anne, Marie, Pam or my family
can help me.
§ If
the trigger causes intense emotions and I end up self-injuring, I am to
immediately call Dr. Didenko to see if I should be hospitalized. I am to call Faith to make her aware of my
behavior and get her perspective.
§ As
I am writing, if I am not triggered, I will pray to God and ask Him to close
this writing in my mind so that I no longer think about it.
§ When
I close this writing, I will commit it to the work of the Holy Spirit that is
at work in me, breathing, healing and restoring a new life in me.
§ I
will remind myself that it was God who met me on the Bearskin Path in Minoqua,
WI and told me what He wanted me to do for the rest of my life.
§ Writing
my story is perfect because it is He who chose it for me.
§ I
will give praise to God for His perfect will and His perfect love for which I
have done nothing to earn.
§ He
sacrificed His Son so that I could be forgiven for my sin, live a life fully
devoted to Him, share the good news of the gospel, be a light of hope for those
who are in the dark, give to those less fortunate, care for those who are
lonely, speak for those who have no voice, feed those who are hungry, encourage
those who have doubt, write my story to bring hope and healing to those who are
still suffering (including myself) and humbly speak out for mental illness.
Lyrics to my favorite song by Steven Curtis Chapman, "Let Us Pray."
I hear you say your heart is aching
You've got trouble in the making
And you ask if I'll be praying for you please
And in keeping with convention
I'll say yes with good intentions
To pray later making mention of your needs
But since we have this moment here at heaven's door
We should start knocking now, what are we waiting for?
Let us pray, let us pray, everywhere in every way
Every moment of the day, it is the right time
For the Father above, He is listening with love
And He wants to answer us, so let us pray
So when we feel the Spirit moving
Prompting, prodding and behooving
There is no time to be losing, let us pray
Let the Father hear us saying
What we need to be conveying
Even while this song is playing, let us pray
And just because we say the word, "Amen"
It doesn't mean this conversation needs to end
Let us pray, let us pray, everywhere in every way
Every moment of the day, it is the right time
Let us pray without end and when we finish start again
Like breathing out and breathing in, let us pray
Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence
As our prayers draw us near
To the One who knows our needs
Before we even call His name
Let us pray, let us pray, everywhere in every way
Every moment of the day, it is the right time
For the Father above, He is listening with love
And He wants to answer us, so let us pray
Let us pray everywhere in every way
Every moment of the day, it is the right time
Let us pray without end and when we finish start again
Like breathing out and breathing in, let us pray
You've got trouble in the making
And you ask if I'll be praying for you please
And in keeping with convention
I'll say yes with good intentions
To pray later making mention of your needs
But since we have this moment here at heaven's door
We should start knocking now, what are we waiting for?
Let us pray, let us pray, everywhere in every way
Every moment of the day, it is the right time
For the Father above, He is listening with love
And He wants to answer us, so let us pray
So when we feel the Spirit moving
Prompting, prodding and behooving
There is no time to be losing, let us pray
Let the Father hear us saying
What we need to be conveying
Even while this song is playing, let us pray
And just because we say the word, "Amen"
It doesn't mean this conversation needs to end
Let us pray, let us pray, everywhere in every way
Every moment of the day, it is the right time
Let us pray without end and when we finish start again
Like breathing out and breathing in, let us pray
Let us approach the throne of grace with confidence
As our prayers draw us near
To the One who knows our needs
Before we even call His name
Let us pray, let us pray, everywhere in every way
Every moment of the day, it is the right time
For the Father above, He is listening with love
And He wants to answer us, so let us pray
Let us pray everywhere in every way
Every moment of the day, it is the right time
Let us pray without end and when we finish start again
Like breathing out and breathing in, let us pray
