(This is an e-mail I did not send)
Marie, I'm sorry to interrupt you. I'm having a real problem with something. I keep feeling like God is leading me to ask people to help with my repairs and now I'm regretting it. Some of this is old news, some of it not.
I don't regret having been asked to resign from the friends of the library. Truth be told, I think God knew the crap I was going to go through the next six months trying to make any event better, more efficient, attracting volunteers, etc.. There were some among them who felt threatened by my skills, my assertiveness and my ability to reconcile with difficult people. Am I sorry I made a mistake asking people to help with car repairs? Yes. Am I sorry I'm no longer part of that group? Absolutely not. But...it still hurts deeply and I still cry. I'm also banned from any and all library events, friends events or other such events BUT I am allowed to go to the library. That's because I pay taxes - not because they want me as a patron. I will find another library to feel safe in.
Three people out of those library e-mails I sent, that the library said were so enraged that they were "solicited for funds for my personal gain," sent a gift. One was from a friend but because of her level of involvement, it will be refunded. Another was from a friend. When I told her what happened she said to keep it and pay it forward. The third one I just received. I will be honest with her as well and let her be an adult and make her own decision.
I felt lead a week ago to send Pastor Dave an email explaining my situation, how uncomfortable I felt even mentioning it because I was brand new and not volunteering but that I felt God putting it on my heart to communicate my car needs. We talked on Sunday and Marie? I was trying to talk him OUT of helping me. I downplayed my need, gave him the, "God will take care of it, He always does," line and felt like a real piece of crap for even mentioning my car.
Dave sent me Linda Berger's name to contact regarding my car and really my benevolence needs. So I introduce myself, say a little about myself, my prior church, a little about The Chapel in LZ and copied Dave. He writes back asking since I went to Willow Creek did I contact the CARS ministry.
Marie, I about blew a gasket. Not at him, of course, but at the question. I carefully outlined my Community Care story over the last 15 years and how I'd, "Maxed out," of getting any more help from them ever. And then I think, "If I had an outward physical disability, like my body was broken and contorted and I was in a wheelchair or my mind was broken so I couldn't speak well or my eyes were broken and I couldn't see well, then I think I'd qualify - anywhere. But that's not what I have. Mine is locked up inside of me and the only ones who truly see it have fur. And the only way to convince others about the truth of what I have is to make a video for GoFundMe that upsets my mom, upsets my sister and I'm sure upset others. I'm still not convinced it didn't play a small part in the forced resignation. Even people who know me (except for Faith and Dr. Didenko) want to pretend my disability is just some little thing that happens every so often to miss get togethers, not be able to work but not so often I'm drowning in it. They're wrong!
I sit here feeling angry, sad, defensive, treated unfairly, judged, embarrassed, guilty, scared and all because of what? My sin of making an innocent mistake which I took full responsibility for and not being forgiven? My sin of asking "friends" I thought I could trust with my mental illness for help with repairs so that I can get to places safely hoping they know me well enough that I'm not trying to take advantage of them? And what about my sin of being invisibly disabled? Feeling like trash for even bothering to ask for help? These certainly include those feelings and many more.
I know this is a Faith (therapist) thing. But honestly? Well, I can't be that honest. I've said enough already. I don't expect you to do anything. Thanks for listening. No need to respond.
I know this is a Faith (therapist) thing. But honestly? Well, I can't be that honest. I've said enough already. I don't expect you to do anything. Thanks for listening. No need to respond.
Amy
What about my urge to drink alcohol - to throw away 6 years of sobriety?
What about my urges to cut - to make my body bleed out the pain?
What about my urges to commit suicide because no matter what I do or where I go, I always screw it up somehow and there's NEVER ANY FORGIVENESS!!!
No, I don't want my job back at Bright Hope.
No, I don't want my volunteer position back at the library.
No, I don't want to be hospitalized for expressing myself on my blog.
I just want someone, someone with integrity, someone who loves Jesus, someone who is gentle and wise to look me in the eye and say, "I'm so sorry you're hurting so deeply, Amy. I can't imagine the pain you're in but I can see it, I can hear it and I'm here to tell you, you're not alone. God is here with you, sitting here beside you just like I am in your mind. He is gently telling you He's got it all under His control. Amy, you are forgiven because you own in your soul the gift of Jesus dying on the cross for you. Your blood shed and His blood shed...both of them hurt. And Amy, Jesus doesn't want you to shed your blood anymore. He's already taken care of that for you. The self-injuring in your mouth is a lot better than your other ideas of making this hurtful hurtful pain go away. But Amy, your pain is not going to go away. Not anytime soon. I pulled you out of two abusive places. You need to be available 100% emotionally to write your book. Those abusers would have prevented you from doing so the way that I want you to write your story. My darling daughter, you are so beautiful to me. You are tender-hearted and so kind to those who have been through so much. Don't be mad at them - realize everything that happens to you, whether because of a mistake you make or because of something you can't understand, all of it passes through my hands first. MY HANDS. I want you to lay down and relax and let me take care of your car. This isn't anything you need to worry about. Believe me, Amy, I have great things in store for you. I can't wait to show you all of the boxes of treasures I have for you in Heaven. They are just waiting to jump out and bring you great joy! I AM your joy giver. I AM your forever Forgiver. No one has power over you, Amy. No one can hurt you anymore, Amy. I am removing those who will hurt you. But you have to trust me. Okay? (me...okay). Alright. Snuggle down on the couch and watch a movie. I'm holding you and rubbing your head and kissing your forward. I'm so proud to have you as my beautiful daughter.
I love you, Amy Kathleen!!!
Love God.
What about my urges to cut - to make my body bleed out the pain?
What about my urges to commit suicide because no matter what I do or where I go, I always screw it up somehow and there's NEVER ANY FORGIVENESS!!!
No, I don't want my job back at Bright Hope.
No, I don't want my volunteer position back at the library.
No, I don't want to be hospitalized for expressing myself on my blog.
I just want someone, someone with integrity, someone who loves Jesus, someone who is gentle and wise to look me in the eye and say, "I'm so sorry you're hurting so deeply, Amy. I can't imagine the pain you're in but I can see it, I can hear it and I'm here to tell you, you're not alone. God is here with you, sitting here beside you just like I am in your mind. He is gently telling you He's got it all under His control. Amy, you are forgiven because you own in your soul the gift of Jesus dying on the cross for you. Your blood shed and His blood shed...both of them hurt. And Amy, Jesus doesn't want you to shed your blood anymore. He's already taken care of that for you. The self-injuring in your mouth is a lot better than your other ideas of making this hurtful hurtful pain go away. But Amy, your pain is not going to go away. Not anytime soon. I pulled you out of two abusive places. You need to be available 100% emotionally to write your book. Those abusers would have prevented you from doing so the way that I want you to write your story. My darling daughter, you are so beautiful to me. You are tender-hearted and so kind to those who have been through so much. Don't be mad at them - realize everything that happens to you, whether because of a mistake you make or because of something you can't understand, all of it passes through my hands first. MY HANDS. I want you to lay down and relax and let me take care of your car. This isn't anything you need to worry about. Believe me, Amy, I have great things in store for you. I can't wait to show you all of the boxes of treasures I have for you in Heaven. They are just waiting to jump out and bring you great joy! I AM your joy giver. I AM your forever Forgiver. No one has power over you, Amy. No one can hurt you anymore, Amy. I am removing those who will hurt you. But you have to trust me. Okay? (me...okay). Alright. Snuggle down on the couch and watch a movie. I'm holding you and rubbing your head and kissing your forward. I'm so proud to have you as my beautiful daughter.
I love you, Amy Kathleen!!!
Love God.
