I've had more than I can count moments when I'm hanging on by my fingernails rather than my hands. My eyes are fixed on Jesus and my fingers are touching His cloak for healing. There have been times when healing takes place and for that, I am very grateful. Dare I say, "But..."?
But I find myself with thoughts of dying and my book not being finished. It's not a new thought. I've written about it before. But when my balance is off and I start to fall to the side or backwards, when my head is pounding with a migraine or a headache, when my right hand tremors make it difficult to type never mind write or when my back locks up from standing too long, I wonder how quickly and truthfully I can write.
The seizures I had the other day scared me. But....I told one person. It was "doctor" week. Neurologist, internist, root canal and brain MRI. I didn't plan it that way and I certainly needed all of them. I pushed myself through it. I pushed hard. The day of the brain MRI was the evening those seizures occurred.
These were not what I've had in the past. They were a series of short seizure bursts as I sat on the couch at 8:45 p.m.. My body stiffens, I curl forward and I can't breathe for 3-4 seconds. It repeated itself, one right after another, about 9 times. I had pain in my chest and in my back and I also had shortness of breath. I figured it was from seizing but still, I thought about driving to the ER.
Just then, my friend sent a text message. I told her what was happening then she called. I told her I was okay, this has happened before, there's nothing to worry about. I told her I'd try to reach a friend to drive me but if not I could drive myself. So, I did.
The doctor said, "Amy, I remember you. What's going on?" I told him what was happening. I was sure it was seizure activity but because of the lingering pain I was having I wanted to make sure it wasn't a heart attack or anything else. He ran the tests, took x-rays and said everything looked fine. He was even pleased with my Lithium level. Yes, they were emotion based. Home I went.
I had a couple more yesterday, I'm still shaking but considering all I've been through, physically I'm okay even though physically I feel like crap.
I had all the tests for epilepsy a few years ago. Every test came back negative. At that time, they called the type of seizures I have pseudoseizures or psychologically based. I've not been on medication for them because my type needs strong medical and psychotherapy support. But that doesn't guarantee I won't have episodes.
The past almost two months I've had these indicators that seizures could happen:
- Moderate to severe headaches and migraines
- Moderate to severe right hand tremors
- Panic/Anxiety from the thought of being with or around people
- PTSD from reading my blogs for the book
- Borderline Personality Disorder has been kicking up
- No therapy due to cold, virus and tests
- I've changed what I eat and measure how much I eat. I've already lost 4 lbs.
- More of my car got fixed; almost done.
- Last night I followed through on my Good Friday tradition of watching, "The Passion of the Christ." I always cry when He is scourged almost to death. I feel so deeply when His mother wipes His blood off the stone ground. I feel her pain as she sheds tears through out His final footsteps. When the movie is over, I go to the scene of the Last Supper and take communion with them. I have to. He's my Savior and I love Him with all my heart.
I know I need to rest but my thoughts are racing. I want to work on my book, print a blog for one of my friends who just joined our group and maybe get in a walk weather permitting. I might work in my shed or re-carpet the cat tree. First, I will lay down.
I love my friends, I really do. There are times when I don't want to tell them anything else that's wrong because their liable to hug me or show concern on their faces. I don't want anyone concerned. I've gotten through hard times, in fact, the hardest times by myself.
But is that what God wants for me? I think not. Even though I don't have a clue how to receive their love and desire to help, it's not right that I be selfish by rejecting what they want to give. Somehow I have to get that turned around and stop thinking how much of a mess I am and how much of a burden I can be. Truth???
I don't want them to leave me.
I feel scared that I'll tip them over and out.
I feel vulnerable.
I have holes inside that God filled and He uses others to help fill other holes.
I'm too independent, a smart person and a deep feeler.
I love those I connect to deeply.
Don't leave me because I'm mentally ill and physically challenged.
My little girl screams,"I'll be good! I promise!"
I miss my therapist.
A friend recently said to me, "You suffer in silence." Yes, I do. Right or wrong, it's the way I know to stay safe.
Click here for: Information on Psychogenic-non-epileptic seizures
The below video is spot on for me:
