She and her husband started out as our Alateen sponsors. She brought wisdom, humor and a hug whenever we needed it. I believe I was sixteen at the time. My mom gave me her car so I was free to travel. This sponsor and I became friends outside of group meetings. I'm not sure that was a good idea.
I was only two years into recovery. I was in counseling, in school, working part-time and going to Alateen once a week. I was pretty busy. I had a great group of friends in High School. Even one who befriended me and listened to my growing up story (not all the details because I didn't know about them).
Nevertheless, this sponsor helped me transition into Al-Anon when I was seventeen. I remember attending this meeting every Friday morning and meeting some of the most spiritual women I'd ever known. I learned about meditation, more about a Higher Power and then I became friends with my Alateen sponsor and other ladies. I felt accepted and loved.
She invited me to her house. I would babysit her two younger boys and just keep an eye on her two older children. After awhile, I became one of the family. Many fun things happened. Many emotional times happened. She would hold me for a long time while I cried. She was safe. I even stayed with she and her family for three weeks while my family went on a vacation I did not wish to go on.
She and I grew very close. When I was going through something, she hugged me and whispered she loved me like a daughter. This surprised me because she already had a daughter. And then a weird thing happened. Her dad died and her husband wouldn't let me see her. Why not? When can I see her?
She invited me for breakfast one morning. She picked me up and we went to a small restaurant in my town. Her words were not only shocking but there was no validity to them and they cut into my heart like nothing I'd ever felt before. She told me she had to end our friendship because I was stepping into her shoes. She talked about other stuff that made no sense except she blamed me for everything. She asked if I understood. My head was already bent down so I nodded yes. She got up, paid the bill and dropped me off at home.
I ran into the house, at age 17, and burst into the saddest tears I'd ever cried. My mom immediately asked what happened and I told her. I don't think it was much later and I don't think this person asked me to do this but I had her house key. I felt obliged to return it not throw it away. I drove over there, walked into the house like I usually did, was greeted with hello's from everyone, did not look in their direction, slammed the key onto the counter and walked out. I walked out and never walked back in again.
After telling my mom what happened, I later learned she confronted his woman quite harshly. She told her to stay away from me and to never talk to me again. After telling my counselor (who knew this woman), she did the same thing. "Don't ever talk to Amy again. Do you have any idea how much damage you've done to this child? You're an adult! Act like one!" It made me feel good, like I had a posse looking out for me.
The dream I had last night revealed all of it. I know why I had it. There's a woman who, when I began attending our church, would join in and pray for me. The tenderness and sweetness of her voice and the way she held my hands caused those same feelings of safety to surface. A woman from my small group then this other woman would join us each week. The feelings of safety continued. But then something happened.
She invited me into her home to talk. Some weeks later, she said she wanted to be my friend. I felt self-conscious when she asked me but I did it and I survived. Asking her the same question took courage because I don't do one way friendships.
I still have problems feeling worthy of someone else's time, even if they are my friend, because I doubt what's troubling me is as important or equal to someone else's troubles. My friends' ministry at church is prayer. Now that we're friends, I can send her an email or text message if something's going on. So, do I still have prayer with her? This is my struggle.
Many times, if she's engaged with someone else after church, I opt to leave especially if their exchange looks tender. I use the above rationalization to prevent myself from getting hurt. Do I want her to pray over me? Of course. Am I more afraid of hearing, "I don't have anymore time or something else?", absolutely. There's no surprise - it all takes place in my mind.
I guess what it boils down to is am I willing to surrender my mind to God and allow Him to lead me or am I going to stay locked up in fear, in my emotions, which usually have no foundation in truth? What am I willing to risk in this new friendship? That's a question I cannot answer at this time.
