Today is my 46th birthday. I'm spending it with my nieces. I'm spending it with my family. I was doing okay until I received a text message.
It was from someone who used to be my best friend. I've only had one best friend and she was it. We met when her husband accepted a position at my church. She was married with seven children. I was single with cats. She was an extravert. I am an introvert. She loves coffee. I love juice. We both loved Jesus and we both loved the church. And within a year, a new friendship was being formed and we both came to love each other.
Fast forward ten years. I started having flashbacks, then seizures, then unable to work. I was cutting, not on the right medications and severely depressed. She didn't understand what was going on, thought I was making choices to cause all of this and was caught off guard by my suicide attempt. I couldn't handle her expectations. I couldn't handle the questions. I no longer wanted to explain or defend myself.
Three years later, I backed off. In the fourth year, my nephew Aaron died from huffing. She sent a beautiful card. Now, we don't speak, except for a birthday greeting.
And yet I miss her. Not all the dynamics, not the stress of her family and not being challenged all the time. I miss her quiet support, her warm hugs and her laughter.
While today is my birthday, it brings with it a keen sense of reality. She will never again be a part of my life and I will never again be a part of hers. I have no desire to enter into another friendship with her. I'm going to enjoy what we once had and thank God for the gift of those years.
That's the healthiest decision I can make for myself.
