Throughout my life, food has been my best friend. Mostly carbs, salt, sugar and chocolate. As a child I overate because I didn't know when dinner would be. It was usually when my dad came home from the bar, sometimes as late as 9:30 at night. I started eating a lot before dinner to compensate. Eventually that compensation landed me a 50 pound weight gain from 6th thru 8th grade. It was on my gym card.
I secretly hoped the extra weight would render me unattractive. I didn't want to be looked at in "that" way. Honestly, I didn't want anyone to see me or know I existed. I wanted to fade away.
My first suicide attempt coincided with the weight gain. I stayed home from school, swallowed a bunch of Tylenol then laid down. I woke up a few hours later. I said to myself, "Oh well. I guess that wasn't supposed to work." I was in 5th or 6th grade.
Being fat does a few things for me. If it didn't, I would be thin. It's a good protector and intimidator. The fat makes me feel protected and tough - like I can kick anybody's behind. I've had confrontations where my size was beneficial because it matched my anger.
I use it as a deterrent so no one will get close to me. Even though I have the choice of who gets close, depending on my mood, I can send signals through my body language. The extra weight helps me push people away.
I must use it as a comfort. That's the main reason I eat so poorly. It's not always the amount. It's often the type of food I'm eating. Comforting myself the last 20 years has been my primary focus. I did lose 30 pounds as of July but then I gained 10 back.
I know working on my recovery scares me. Being well scares me. No longer having all the muck in my heart and head scares me. Writing the book scares me. But I have to do it. God whispered it me and He knows better than I what's going to come of it.
Lesson for today: Take it to the Lord in prayer.
This is REALLY good:
