Last night David Letterman paid an emotional tribute to Robin Williams.
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After watching the segment, I found myself crying, again. What is causing these tears? Why do I feel as if I've lost an understanding friend? Who is going to patch this hole I have inside?
As I've grown up chronologically and in my own understanding of depression, I've been able to pinpoint people who share the same emotional pain that I do. Years ago, I knew there was something different about this man. Not only did he have a gift for making people laugh but he had a gift for putting others at ease.
Maybe that's what's hitting me. Robin Williams put himself at ease by taking his life. I'm selfish. I want him here so that I can point to him when my mind gets dark and say, "See? If Robin can do it and he lives a public life, surely I can do it for I live a quiet life."
I knew from watching the man that he had struggles. For those of us who know what I'm talking about, I know I'm not the only one who saw it. And he's not alone.
There are entertainers who still have the secret. They don't feel safe talking about it. They're trying to medicate it on their terms. They're living a merry-go-round life and there's no one to help them stop the spinning so that they can jump off into the comfort of help.
I would have gladly sat down with Robin Williams and his wife to talk about what was ailing him. I can't offer any medical help because I'm not a psychiatrist. I can't offer any therapeutic help because I'm not a licensed counselor. I can't offer any marital help because I'm single and again, not properly licensed.
What would I have done? I would have asked him one question.
"Robin, I'm looking at your eyes and I see a great deal of sadness and hopelessness. Obviously this is something you don't want to feel so deeply otherwise we wouldn't be sitting here right now. Can I ask you a question?"
"What's keeping your heart beating?"
That question will never be asked by me to him but it can be asked by you. I put myself in that sentence above and looked deep inside myself. "What would I want to be asked?"
I can answer that question myself only because I've been in the deep recess of the depression pit and by the grace of God, my suicide attempts were not successful.
What keeps my heart beating? God's purpose for my life isn't finished yet so no matter how hard it gets or how low I feel or how many mental illnesses are manifesting themselves at one time, my responsibility is to:
1. Pray
2. Call therapist
3. Call psychiatrist
4. Get away from the place where suicidal thoughts are mounting
5. Repeat
Robin Williams will be remembered for his generosity, talent and love for his family forevermore.
