For the last couple of nights I've had dreams about death. I don't remember the first one. It must not have been important enough to remember. The second one haunted me all day.
I've mentioned the only best friend I've ever had. She loved me even though I had an abusive childhood. We shared a lot, had a lot in common and laughed. I grew to love each of her seven kids. They were precious to me. I was blessed to get to see most of them grow up. But then something happened.
The (my) mental illness started. Then it took over. Over time, I slowly backed away. Not because I thought I would hurt them or anything like that. I backed away because I thought it would be best for them. I didn't know what my future held. I knew some concerns she expressed. I should have discussed it with her - regret number one.
Fast forward to the dream. I am who I am now as is she, as are the kids. I hear from someone that her two oldest daughters and oldest grandson died. I arrive at her house just as she and her husband are being notified. How did it happen? It was a swimming accident.
I see them react to the news. They have to get the rest of the family together. They go their separate ways. Their children and their families begin to show up. It's Tuesday night - a night one of the daughters who died would be teaching a theater group. I walk up the sidewalk toward my friend. I wasn't sure what was going to happen but I was hoping I made the right choice to be there. We hug and cry.
The rest of the dream has no significance on what else I want to share. When I was thinking about the friendship I left behind, how much I miss she and her family and how much I hate the disease of mental illness, I started to cry. Real tears, rolling down my cheeks, real hurt, real sadness. Grief.
Grieving the loss of people you loved deeply takes time to heal. I have to remind myself not to pretend that if I were to contact her everything would be okay. It wouldn't. We've both moved on in our lives, following what God is leading us to do. The reality is that we're down to birthday greetings and Christmas cards.
And those are two places I never wanted to be.
