About This Blog

My blog shares my recovery journey from childhood abuse to living with mental illness. I've been involved in twelve step groups and therapy since 1982. I accepted Jesus as my Savior in 1988. To the best of my ability, I have followed where He wants me to go and what He wants me to do. Maybe you'll find the hope and strength you need through what I write. Maybe you want to stop hurting yourself. Maybe you have a friend who needs help and can benefit from my story. I was newly disabled when I asked God this question: "What do you want me to do with my life?" I closed my eyes and paused for a few moments to still my mind. This is what I sensed from Him: "Amy, I want you to write your story to bring hope and healing to those who are still suffering." And that's exactly what I am doing!

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Depression or Not?


Depression is physically heavy.  At least it is for me.  It starts out invading my sleep by keeping me awake longer.  It wakes me up during the night with vivid dreams.  I wake early in the morning tired from the activity in my dreams.

But wait.  Is all of that depression?

Part of it is.  Part of it isn't.

What about this:  I have a seizure like the ones I had 5-7 years ago.  Only one.  Then I have body movements in my neck and shoulders.  Frequently but not 24/7.

Is this depression?

I don't know.

Next come the headaches and then the migraines.  I haven't had those for at least one and a half years.  I take over the counter medicine for the headaches.  I take a prescription medication for the migraines.  If I have a migraine for three days I have to go to the emergency room to get a heavy duty pain killer.  It lasts for two days, skips a few days, then comes back.

Is this depression?

More than likely.

The tremors I have in my hands are worse.  It's more difficult to write, to cook, to button my shirt and to put on my shoes.  It's worrisome because even as I'm typing my hands are shaking so I have to slow down quite a bit.

Is this depression?

I don't know.

I'm no longer eating chocolate, I've changed what/how I'm eating (lost 3 pounds last week) and I'm trying to go for short walks even if my balance isn't perfect.

When I woke up Monday I felt something was definitely wrong with my brain.  It's hard to describe.  It's like the neurotransmitters went home and they aren't there any more.  No electrical charges.  Nothing stimulating the brain.  That's when I called my Psych.  I have an appointment for tomorrow.  I'm bringing a copy of this with me.

Truth be told, I'm neither afraid nor surprised that the sexual abuse issues that haven't been fully healed are surfacing.  My heaviness, an extra 80 pounds, has put a physical wall of fat around me not only for protection but also for intimidation.  Whenever I feel there's a threat, I know I can take a guy out because of my deep seeded rage, my ability to stare someone down and my size to act as a protective shield or warrior.  I have a knife by my bed and I'm not afraid to use it.

Anyway, He'll be able to say what is depression and what is sexual abuse or if it's both.  I hope to have a resolution so I can move forward in a healthy way that causes positive change.  I really want to be mentally well.