Doesn't matter if I know them or not. Doesn't matter if it's in person or email or Facebook.
Any place there is a possibility of running into a person who knows me, I completely avoid.
I've had a lot of people exposure these last 4-5 days. Between the Bunny Hop volunteer meetings and tasks to the day of the event, to going to see "Son of God,' to meeting my family at my sister's house, it was all positive but it was all draining.
I come home to a house that needs desperate attention. Too much clutter, too much fur, too much stuff to do. I sleep for over 18 hours. That's good - I was certainly tired. I wake up feeling down.
I don't want to go to therapy because I can't move past the comment she made (all things considered). I know how I felt instantly. I felt judged. I did not feel validated. I felt slighted. I felt angry. I felt hurt. I felt all I've been through was minimized and passed over. My reaction was standing up for myself. It was making sure what I went through as a child was validated by me and not passed off as little kid exaggeration. The 32 years I've spent working on 14 years of abuse, including the verbal abuse and abandonment until he died, is no simplistic matter. Try spending your whole life being an over achiever with a genius brain, receiving from God the best jobs for your personality and talents so you can pay for years of therapy only to have one comment potentially wipe all that work down the drain? I can't and won't let that happen.
All things considered, I should be dead. Long ago, when I first attempted suicide, I should be dead. God has kept me alive for reasons I may never understand, but He does. I fight to stay alive because Heaven is the only place I want to be. When I'm this messed up on meds, when therapy becomes a struggle rather than a support and when staying by myself brings more comfort than being around people, that's when I want to go home.
But my task here is not done. I have family members who need me and want me around. I have a book to write for God's story. I have a handful of friends who would miss me. I have many little furry friends who would need homes and I'm not willing to do that to them.
When depression wears me down, it wears me down.
It wears me down and sometimes it wears me out.
It wears me out and sometimes it wears me out for a long time.
But one thing depression never does:
It never takes away my dream to someday be whole.
