Psalm 147:3

Sometimes I think my heart is never going to completely heal from all it has suffered.  The physical abuse, emotional abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, neglect, abandonment, withdrawal from people, adults I trusted abruptly walking out of my life and the list goes on.

I know in my intellect that when I gave my heart to Christ I gave him permission to heal it, change it and reside in it.  I guess I was hoping there would be ultimate healing.

In many ways, God and Jesus have healed a lot of the brokenness.  I'm no longer being abused, I have control over who I let into my life and for how long, I'm learning how to keep myself safe and I have just a smidge of self-blame remaining for what happened to me at the hands of an addict.

My wounds are being bound up in all sorts of ways.
I picture gauze bandages being wrapped around my head as my mind heals.
Maybe there's a big flat frozen pack resting on my chest to heal the burns of lies.
God placed a metal cage around my private areas so no one can get in.
I wear a flannel shirt that smells like my Dad and I'm okay with that.
I wear jeans and gym shoes.

I look normal on the outside.

That's how it always was.

The brokenness was covered up, never talked about, hidden beneath clothing.
The brokenness happened at night, in the anger, in the storm of alcoholism.
The brokenness became my cross to carry.
To protect my sisters and my Mom.
Sometimes I would get in between Mom and Dad.
Sometimes I would pick a fight with Dad just to get it over with.
In either case, I protected my family.

How old was I?  10-14
I knew I could take it.
He didn't scare me anymore.

I'd grown cold to his threats,  his eye to eye staring, him shoving me against the wall by my neck.
I had ice in my veins and knew one day I would punch him so hard he'd be knocked out cold on the floor.  I had thoughts of killing him.  Even though he's been dead for six years, when I think about stuff like this, I still want to kill him.

God's had a lot of wounds to bind up.
I'm glad He hasn't stopped yet.
I have a feeling I won't be completely healed
until I'm in heaven.

Today, I'm okay with that.

Letting God Decide

You know when you have the same clump of thoughts running through your head?  They're not obsessive or destructive but they resurface when a certain topic pops into your mind?  I've been having those kinds of thoughts about my book.

Specifically about the content.
More specifically about the depth of content.

So I stopped writing.

Not the best decision when you and the Holy Spirit have an encounter in the north woods of Wisconsin, on a serene and beautiful walking path, overlooking a large blue lake on a warm summer morning.

"Lord?" I ask.  "What do you want me to do with my life?"

"Amy, I want you to write your story to bring hope and healing to those who are suffering."

I stood there.
Silent.
For a few minutes.

That was a few years ago.

I started writing the book a year ago.  I was writing at a good pace.  It was chronological, as detailed as I could be and I feel very good about it.

Then my medication crashed.  For the last four months I've been dealing with depression and all other sorts of mental illness that are now correctly medicated.  It's time to get back in gear.

I started tracking my blog stats and they've been steadily increasing.  It's very humbling and a little exciting to see how many people visit my blog.  I pray it's helpful.

When I got sick about four weeks ago and couldn't write much, naturally the visitors to my blog took a nose dive.  What I didn't realize is how much I was relying on those numbers to keep me writing.

I lost my passion for storytelling.  It became a ball and chain instead of a craft I truly enjoy. My mind was focused on my performance and not on the calling God had placed in my heart.

I talked to God about it a couple of days ago.
He spoke to me again.

"Amy, your job is to do the writing.
 I'm responsible for the results."

Since then, I haven't checked the stats once.  I've been able to write freely and I started organizing my book so I can brainstorm how to approach it this season.

Letting God into these decisions is so much easier than trying to figure them out on my own.  He wants to help me, He wants to bless me and He doesn't want me to feel stressed out by it.

Equally, He wants me to do the work so I feel a sense of accomplishment.  He wants me to pace myself so I don't over do it and He wants me to get help from others so I don't carry the burden by myself.

When I do the work, God will bless it.

Weight Loss Discouraged

I'm feeling discouraged about my lack of weight loss.

I was transferring information from my 2013 calendar to this year's calendar.  Last year I kept track of my weight on a weekly basis.  I'm doing the same this year.

This time last year I weighed eight pounds less.  Not only have I gained eight pounds but somewhere along the line I made a decision not to lose any more weight.  Or did I?



So many times I've met or seen people who have gained a lot of weight due to mental wellness medications.  I struggle with medications working for short periods of time so changing them becomes a regular part of my treatment.  That messes with my metabolism.

I'm also forty-six years old.  My age plays a natural part in my metabolism beginning to slow down. If I'm not physically active, what I eat shows up on my body.

Having the right medications is essential - gaining some weight is a side effect.
I eat when I'm depressed and depression is my main mental illness.
My slower metabolism is predictable - changing how I eat and exercising can help lower my weight.

Here's the thing.
I'm tired.
I'm really tired.
I've been fat most of my life.

I'm incredibly unhappy with all this extra weight no matter where it came from.
I want to be thin, I really do.

I just wish it wasn't so hard.....
and slow.

" I am" - Remembering

This is one of those days when I need to remind myself of where I came from.

It's not because I have lost faith or given up or have self-injured or compromised my sobriety.

It's because I need to remember all the hard work I've done to get to where I am.  To encourage myself to keep trudging down this road of healing.  To not give up.

"I am LOVED"  This five letter word is what drew me toward a Higher Power when I was fourteen years old.  I started my spiritual journey in Alateen, a twelve step group for teens who are affected by someone else's drinking.  I was affected by my Dad's.  In twelve step groups I learned how to receive love from other people.  It was especially difficult to receive love from women and it still is today.  I can count on one hand the women I feel love from and trust.

"I am KNOWN"  While in twelve step groups I worked the steps.  Through my sponsors I learned about myself and about God's desire to know me.  I was a little afraid of God because, like a lot of abuse survivors, I put my Dad's face on God's face.  That took some time to change but I did it.  Then there's the fear of people.  While I don't wrestle with it as much today, back then that fear controlled some unhealthy relating patterns.  I thank God I didn't get myself into any real trouble.

"I am FEARLESS"  At one point in my recovery I had to become willing to go to any lengths to get better.  This included multiple twelve step groups (Al-Anon, AA, OA, ACOA, Coda), sexual abuse therapy groups, intense individual therapy, adding psychiatric and psychotropic medications, seeing a psychiatrist regularly and being hospitalized inpatient and outpatient several times.  Walking through the fear, I've found, is the only way to get a handle on my issues and learn how to live with unchangeable history while changing unhealthy coping behaviors.  One thing's for sure.  I never walk alone.  I have God, my family, my friends, my therapist and my doctors.  They will do what they can to help me through difficult times and equip me with positive coping skills so I don't have to be afraid or feel all alone.  They teach me how to pull up the strength I have inside so I can learn how to depend on myself in a healthy manner.  Faith calls this positive self-care.

"I am BRAVE"  You better believe it!  Survivors are most definitely brave.  I could list all the ways I was brave but I don't think it's necessary.  Bravery shows itself in the moment and when we are trying to put memories away in a lock box.  Bravery comes when we don't let the abuse from the past control or influence our present behaviors.  Bravery is when I can see a similar pattern of dysfunction and before falling back into that negative pattern, I say, "NO!"

On any given day, I am all of these.  Some days a little more confidently than others but still, there here.

"I was" because of my circumstances.

"I am" because of my choices.

Wait Control

I'm consciously aware, consciously connected to and mindfully grounded in the physical weight of my body.  Here are the facts:

Height:  5'6"
Highest Weight:  247 in May 2013
Current Weight:  231 in Jan 2014
Goal Weight:      135 in God's time


I put this in black and white because my life regarding my weight has been a secret.  It sounds funny to say that because if you look at me I don't look 96 pounds overweight.  I look fat but it's spread out.

Living in what's real is hard.  It's hard weighing myself each week (same day and time) when the number doesn't move, goes down 1-2 pounds or goes up 1-2 pounds.  Granted, losing 1-2 pounds in a week is a wonderful loss and considered by experts to be the healthy rate at which to lose.

Still, I want faster results.

It seems like putting on the extra pounds was quick.  I know exactly when the bulk of them got stacked onto this frame.

I was working a high stress job.  I was responsible for too many things.  I didn't ask for help soon enough.  When I did ask for help it wasn't given with any urgency.

I ate high carb, high sugar foods which I thought were giving me energy.  WRONG!
They were giving me lots of pounds.

I left that job five years ago.  I've had lots of significant people pass away, loss of significant relationships, mental and physical problems, emotional cesspools being drained and financial stress only the Lord can take credit for helping me through.

In other words, the weight acted as a protection from many emotional pains.

Why take it off now?  Simply put - It's time.  I'm sick of being fat.  I'm sick of being embarrassed by my size.  I'm sick of being fat in front of my nephews and nieces when we're out in public.

While I don't have high blood pressure, diabetes, high cholesterol or any other medical condition, I'm not going to wait for those to show up.  I want to be proactive instead of reactive.

I think what I need to do is pray to God and ask for the patience to wait as the weight falls off and to be obedient with what I eat and how much.

This is very hard.  I'm saying good-bye to a friend whose friendship no longer benefits me.

I'm saying good-bye to excess and unhealthy food.  The lie that it protects me from harm.

I feel very sad.