Today I've been struggling with my demons.
Self-injury in my mouth, drinking alcohol, detaching from the world.
Wanting to be any place else but inside this body.
I got paid today. Since it only comes once a month I'm usually jubilant.
I had to make myself do a little shopping.
I tried to raise my spirits by going to my favorite thrift store but I still felt flat.
Feeling flat is like having no drive to do anything,
No desire to go anywhere and no interest in talking to anyone.
You just feel flat.
The depression is heavier though I'm puzzled as to why.
I'm taking all my meds every day, my sleep is disrupted but I'm working with a new company to get that rectified, I'm not isolating and I'm using my coping tools.
I guess some times you can do everything right and your brain chemicals can still get goofed up.
God is my refuge and my strength.
He sees me struggle and He knows my pain.
Many times I picture Him here with me.
I'm curled up in His lap or in His hands.
Feeling safe and feeling divine love.
I have a recurring dream that's been peaceful, too.
In the dream I call it Pikes Peak but it's really a fantasy peak.
I've been to Pikes Peak several times. It's an exhilarating drive!
Each time in the dream, I go there for enjoyment.
What a wonderful gift God gave us -
The gift of our imagination.
God, I thank you for the little bit of peace I'm getting from my dreams.
